


If I really loved him so, why would I run to you?

by Ode_et_amo



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Multi, Nuwanda is a drag name, Slow Burn, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23443498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ode_et_amo/pseuds/Ode_et_amo
Summary: Jeff Anderson has a problem. His ex-girlfriend, Chris Noel, is getting married and he along with his family is invited.He can not turn up alone. Luckily for him, his co-editor Neil Perry is more than willing to act as his date.What Jeff doesn't know is that Neil is desperately in love with him. The hitch? Jeff is superstraight.Neil however sees this as an opportunity to get to know Jeff better.Then he meets Todd Anderson, Jeff's younger brother, and well let's just say he's something else.
Relationships: Chris Noel/Knox Overstreet, Jeffrey Anderson/Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 61
Kudos: 148





	1. Find me somebody to love

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Don't pity me' - Joanie Sommers
> 
> No beta - we die like men?  
> English isn't my first language so there will be some mistakes, so thank you for bearing with me and I'd be more than happy for constructive criticism

"Neil!"

There was an awful lot of people naming their kid Neil nowadays, wasn't it? Neil ignored the call and trudged on. The corridors were flooding with people on their way to lunch or the library or wherever people went midday. Neil himself had a paper to write, which he currently wasn't writing and he was more than a little stressed by it. He almost crashed straight into someone as he scrolled through his phone for some potential articles to use in his essay. He might be a little behind on it, but he'd rather not think about it. Meanwhile, the calling hadn't seized. 

"Neil! Neil Perry!"

He knew that voice. _Anderson._ God, he’d be loath to admit it but Neil had kinda, sorta dreamed about this. He was a huge embarrassment to himself but that’s what happens when you’ve been starve-fed on love and affection for most of your childhood, but Neil just longed for love. How many times had he imagined this sitaution? Dreamed about Jeff Anderson chasing him down like in one of those old Hollywood movies, to declare his undying love for Neil. Just as he was now. Was he? _Only one way to find out._ Neil turned around. 

He could make out the dark blonde hair glinting softly in the light from the windows, as Jeff’s body weaved through the crowd. There was a desperate energy to his movements which was a little too easy for Neil’s lovesick brain to interpret as romantic craze. Jeff came to an abrupt stop right in front of him. His murky, blue eyes wide and mouth gasping slightly for air. He was an athlete, playing baseball and, after having yielded to Neil’s unrelenting nagging, he’d also joined the unofficial college soccer team. Jeff was fit, which meant he would have had to run for some time in order to look the way he was now. Neil’s heart picked up a staccato rhythm.

"I've looked everywhere for you!" Jeff panted. "I wanted to ask you a favor"

"Oh" said Neil. 

_God, could he sound more intelligent?_

“Yeah” Jeff said, then his words came in a jumble that was a far cry from his usual composed self. “I’m invited to my ex-girlfriends wedding next week and I can’t go alone, obviously. And it’s too late to try and make her jealous, also a given. So the other day, yesterday actually, my parents where on my case that maybe it’s time for me to settle down as well, which hello I’m twenty-five, I still have time. Anyway their really conservative so I was thinking, for shock-value, would you mind going to this wedding with me, as my date?”

Neil’s brain stuttered to an abrupt halt. He was acutely lost for words. His mind doing a hundred miles per minute trying to make sense of the proposition. He wasn’t even thinking, just stood there staring, mouth agape. Could he be more embarrassing? The longer he stayed quiet the more disheartened Jeff looked.

“Is this a joke?” Neil managed to ask eventually.

“No, I’m sorry it’s not” Jeff said, hurriedly. “I just… We’d go as friends of course, just that… we need to make it look as if we're..."

"Together?"

"Yeah, exactly!"

The problem here, apart from Neil’s long-suffering crush, was the fact that Jeff was as straight as they came. Like a ruler, and not the bent kind. This was a really stupid idea, Neil understood that, but he wouldn’t mind getting a chance to spend more time with him. And if he said no, Jeff might bring someone else. Neil honestly didn’t know what would be worse; pretending to date the guy you’re desperately in love with or being jealous of said guy fake-dating someone else?

Still...

"Why are you going to your ex-girlfriends wedding?"

Neil had actually met Jeff’s ex-girlfriend once. She was a nice blonde who studied biology. Chris Noel, Neil remembered. Jeff had been really broken up when they split. Sure, Neil had heard about people inviting their exes as a sort of punishment-thingy but Chris hadn’t seemed the type.

“Oh, it’s our families, we’ve been close since forever. So my parents and my little brother are also invited.”

“Oh” Neil said again and he really needed to expand his vocabulary. “Nice.”

Well, he was nothing if not an actor right? Or he would’ve been if his father hadn’t decided he was going to be a doctor. When he thought about it, it was actually something he and Jeff had in common. Jeff also knew what it felt like to have your entire life planned out for you before you’ve even turned three. They had bonded over this experience when they had first met at the school editorial two years ago. It was comforting to meet someone who just understood. And sure Jeff wasn’t always the most considerate, he had a bad habit of being rather nonchalant – another consequence of his upbringing – but his heart was in the right place and he’d always been a good friend. And maybe Neil was a tad bit in love. Or maybe a lot. _Definitely a lot,_ Neil thought when his gaze trailed over Jeff’s sharp jawline.

“I might have already told them you would come” Jeff admitted, face scrunching up as he became slightly more sheepish.

And really, what was Neil supposed to do, when faced with those puppy-eyes?

“Sure”

“Is that a yes?” Jeff’s eyes shone up, for a moment it looked like he would sink down on a knee, which Neil wouldn’t have minded all that much if the “no homo” didn’t hang so heavy over their heads.

“Yeah, why not. Where’s the harm, right?”

“Perry, you’re officially my new favorite person!” Jeff exclaimed and in a second flat he had lifted Neil from the ground and spun him around. Screw his hopeless romantic, but Neil could literally faint from happiness. 

“When are we going?” Neil said, once he’d been returned to the floor and logic thought forced its way through the seams.

“Day after tomorrow” said Jeff, in an air of obviousness.

“Day after tomorrow? I thought you said it was next week”

“Yeah, but there’s dinners we have to attend first and other activities.” said Jeff, already making his way back to wherever he’d just come from. “Anyway I’ll text you all the details and thanks again! You’re a champ!”

Neil wasn’t so sure about that. Fuck, what had he done? But then again, maybe, just maybe this was a good thing. Maybe if they’d spent enough time together Jeff would… What, fall for him too? It was foolish to hope, but still those things could happen right? Neil was sure he’d read about it somewhere, bros falling in love or something. 

He discarded his plan to finish the essay entirely. His mind to jumbled to really focus on anything. So instead for going to the library as he had intended to, he made his way over to Charlie’s. It was a short enough walk and Charlie, having no lessons on Fridays, was sure to be home.

Charlie had the decency to not even look surprised when Neil crashed face first on his sofa. He only passed him to fetch a glass of juice in the kitchen, pushing it over the coffee table in Neil’s direction. Neil grumbled a thanks which the throw pillow swallowed.

“What happened to you?” Charlie asked eventually.

Neil mumbled more nonsensical words into the pillow until Charlie reached over to swat him on the shoulder.

“I don’t understand a single thing you’re saying!”

“I said that Jeffsortaaskedmeout”

“Take that again?” Charlie said, forehead deeply wrinkled but his dark eyes glinted with his usual amusement.

“Jeff Anderson asked me to be his date to his ex-girlfriends wedding” Neil said with a deep sigh.

Charlie beamed at him. “This is great, isn’t it? You’ve been in love with him for ages! Why aren’t you smiling?” Charlie looked genuinely confused until something shifted. “There’s a catch, isn’t there?”

Neil nodded slowly, finding the right words to explain the situation were suddenly so hard.

“Neil?”

Neil buried his face back into the pillow but Charlie only pulled it out from beneath him, giving him an impatient look.

“Fine!” Neil said “He asked me to come as his fake-date to annoy his parents”

He turned his head away, for a short moment considering to hide beneath the wool blanket thrown over the armrest. The thing probably belonged to Cameron and God, he’d better not touch it then.

Charlie gave up a heavy sigh. “That’s a bad idea. It’s a really, really bad idea, Neil”

And Neil took the chance, Cameron’s wrath was nothing compared to the pitying look Charlie currently had plastered to his face. Neil burrowed his head underneath the blanket. The wool itching against his skin, but he did not intend to come out anytime soon. Unfortunately the blanket couldn’t block out sound.

“You deserve so much more than this” Charlie’s sympathetic voice said. “Somewhere out there, there’s someone you won’t have to act for, someone who will love you for you”

“I know, Charlie, I’m not a child.” Neil said from under the blanket. “And who says that’s not Jeff?”

“Then why didn’t he just ask you to come as his date? Why a fake-date?”

“Maybe he’s insecure?”

“Jeff Anderson?” Charlie said, laughing, the sound surprisingly bitter. “Since when is _the_ Jeff Anderson insecure?”

“You don’t know him like I do” Neil said, crawling through the blanket and out on the other side. Posed and ready to defend Jeff with all he was, but before he had a chance to do any of that, the door of the apartment was thrown open and Cameron came bumbling through. A heap of books stacked up in his arms. Charlie would have helped him had he actually liked his roommate and Neil, well he was too busy with his own emotional turmoil.

“Neil” Cameron greeted.

“Cameron” Neil said, turning his gaze to his hands where they were now resting in his lap. _These weren’t doctor’s hands, were they?_ Neil had always thought he had been gifted with piano-fingers, but had never actually had the opportunity to try this theory. His father had always thought that learning to play an instrument would be too time-consuming and distracting. Not to say expensive.

“Wait, Cameron!” Charlie shouted before the red head could manage to slither in to his own room across the hall.

“What, Charlie?” Cameron asked annoyed.

“Neil tell him”

“Why, no! I will not tell Cameron anything!” Neil protested.

“Tell me what?”

“Neil has a date with Jeff Anderson” Charlie said, and to Cameron’s credit he looked genuinely happy for him when he congratulated Neil. Probably because he had heard enough of Neil’s lovesick laments and finally saw an opportunity to be rid of it. But of course Charlie Dalton couldn’t leave it at that.

“A fake date to Jeff’s ex’s wedding”

“That’s a terrible idea” said Cameron, almost without thinking.

“That’s exactly my thought!” Charlie exclaimed, wildly gesturing at Cameron’s general form. “For once we’re agreeing on something and that’s a bad sign in itself. Neil…”

“Charlie!” Neil whined. “Help me”

“Help you with what? To woo him? No, Neil, no…”

“Charlie has a point” Cameron said. “This is Jeff Anderson right, straight as a ruler?”

“And not a bent one” Neil and Charlie said in unison, before Neil burrowed himself deeper in the blanket with a heavy groan. Cameron had yet to comment on it. 

“Right… Maybe listen to Charlie for this once”

“No!” Neil said and jumped up from the sofa, in a movement so swift he surprised himself.

Charlie’s smug face fell at the sight of him. If he looked half as crazed as he felt, it was an ugly one.

“No, okay, no. I don’t care if he doesn’t like me back, he’s my friend and this is what friends do for each other, right?”

“You’ve never fake-dated me” Charlie said.

“Me, neither”

“Trust me Cameron, no one wants to”

“Would the two of you just… I’m doing this okay, and it would be nice with some support because honest to god, I’m going in blind here”

Charlie’s pitying look seemed glued to his face by now, while Cameron made an uncomfortable grimace that was probably meant to be sympathetic. In the end Charlie gave in, giving up another great sigh.

“Fine, fine” he said. “But you need a game plan”

“Thank you, Charlie” said Neil earnestly.

“Good, you two do that” Cameron said. “So can I be left alone to my studies”

“Not so fast, Cameron. We need your logical insightfulness” said Charlie, winking at Neil.

“In other words you need my straight perspective”

“Something like that” Charlie grinned.

They ordered take-away and despite the subject, both Charlie and Cameron where on their best behavior and Neil had a really good time. Unfortunately they didn’t make much progress on the game plan beyond a few scratched out words on a slip of paper. The plan as it stood was simple enough: make Jeff Anderson realize what he could have if this situation was a real thing. It was a shitty plan.

The ride through Vermont to the Anderson estate was rather pleasant. Spending time with Jeff always was. He was easy to talk with, intelligent and always brought insightful contributions to any conversation he took part in. Neil enjoyed himself immensely. Finally he was given Jeff’s undivided attention, no editorial thing or burly teammates to distract them from each other. Just the two of them. It wasn’t as intense as Neil had feared it would be, it was just… nice. It was so nice in fact that Neil was starting to worry that Jeff had forgotten what they were here for.

“So any ground rules?” Neil asked, when the niceness became too much and he had to self-sabotage.

“Ground rules?” Jeff asked confused, fiddling with the radio till some fifties song blasted through the stereo. Why was it, that all the heartbreak songs from the fifties were so upbeat?

“Yeah, like with this dating thing. Should we hold hands, kiss…?”

“No kissing unless we really have to” Jeff said, and Neil pretended his heart didn’t sink at that. “It’d be a little too uncomfortable. But I guess handholding and the stuff would be good. Sell the idea, you know?”

“Yeah, exactly” Neil said. _Sell the idea. Sell it._

Neil could do that. He was a master in pretense. He’d spent his entire life pretending that: _yes, sir, of course I want to make you and mom proud by becoming a doctor_. So far he’d had some success with his pretending. So much so that he had almost started to believe in it himself. Only just almost.

“Great!” said Jeff. “So my parents have promised to be on their best behavior but if they say something stupid just tell me, okay”

“Yeah, sure”

It was hard to imagine Jeff’s parents being small-minded and prejudiced people when Jeff was nothing of the sort. Apart from Charlie, Jeff had actually been one of the first people to wholeheartedly support Neil when he first came out. Really, Jeff had been more supportive than Neil’s own parents, which should tell you something. Jeff made him feel safe and once again it just felt... nice.

When they rolled up at Jeff’s family home it had already started to darken, but the grandeur of the place hardly escaped Neil’s notice. It was the sort of building which would stick out like a sore thumb in the block Neil grew up in. His father would lick Mr. Anderson’s boots to be invited to a place like this. There was a sick irony in the fact that it was Neil’s unaccepted gayness that had brought him to the doorstep of this Georgian mansion.

It was Jeff’s mother who opened the door. As soon as she saw her son she gave up a yelp and almost tackled him into a hug. The warm embrace was so heartfelt that it made Neil a little awkward, standing just outside on the landing, with a full view of Jeff’s broad back and his mother’s face peeking over his shoulder. Once she noticed Neil, she let go of her son to greet him. The lines of her face which had been so soft a moment ago, hardened somewhat at the look of him. But she took his hand in both of hers and held on tight.

“It’s so nice to finally get to meet you” she said, sounding sincere enough. “We’ve heard so much about you”

The last part was probably a lie, but it warmed Neil none the less.

“It’s nice to meet you too” Neil said, at a loss for words.

What do you say to your fake in-law anyway? Especially when she’s supposed to be really prejudiced yet handling Neil being gay better than his own mother.

Jeff, as always a shoulder to lean on, placed his hand on Neil’s lower back in support. At the same moment Jeff’s father joined them. He looked nothing as Neil would have imagined, but then he probably modelled all father figures based on his own. Yet from the stories of him, Neil would have expected Jeff’s father to be stricter, distant, cold, but Mr. Anderson was smiling like anything. He looked kind and like he had a sense of humor. Actually both Mr. and Mrs. Anderson kind of reminded Neil of some commercial from the fifties. The perfect idea of an American nuclear family, the American dream.

“So this is Neil then?” asked Jeff’s father. “Nice to meet you”

He reached his hand over and grasped Neil’s in a firm shake, before retracting it to lay his arm over his wife’s shoulders. It felt like posturing the way they now stood opposite to each other, both Jeff and Mr. Anderson with claims over their supposed lovers.

“Well, come in, come in!” Mrs. Anderson said eventually.

Jeff and Neil lugged their packing into the hall before following Jeff’s parents into the living room. It was a nice room with a fire place and a lot of comfy-looking armchairs. In the corner there stood a loveseat in which a boy around Neil’s age sat. Once they entered he rose from his seat and approached in a gait leaking of unease. So this was Jeff’s younger brother, Neil thought, he was a far cry from Jeff.

“Todd’o!” Jeff said embracing his brother, whose stiff arms melted somewhat at the endearment.

“Neil, this is Todd. Todd, this is Neil” Jeff introduced.

Neil reached out for Todd’s hand, looking up into his eyes and then stopped short. Todd had nothing of Jeff’s rugged handsomeness. His face was softer, body lithe and hands almost dainty, but his eyes… Todd’s eyes were a clearer, brighter, startling blue and it seemed as if he could see right from him. For a second, Neil was certain that Todd knew about the lie. That he could somehow sense it. But then he let go of Neil’s hand and his face fell into an impassive mask.

“We thought you would sleep in the guestroom, Neil” Jeff’s mother said.

“Guestroom?” Neil asked, had he expected to sleep with Jeff?

“What a man does in his own home” joked Mr. Anderson, and there it was, the veiled judgment. Jeff blushed somewhat at the insinuation but he didn’t protest. Somehow this made Neil angry. The only other one who seemed to react was Todd, whose clenched hands shone white around the knuckles.

“Todd, will you show him?” Mrs. Anderson said.

Todd nodded and began leading the way out of the room, but was stopped short by Mr. Anderson who pointed at the packing. “Be a gentleman”

No, you really don’t have to…” Neil began, but Todd had already hefted Neil’s bag over his shoulder. Neil looked to Jeff, who only nodded he should follow so Neil did. They passed by the dining room, a small library and some closed doors before reaching the stairs. It was a beautifully ornate thing, built entirely for show and Neil, loath to admit it, was a little winded when they reached the top. Straight ahead was two glass doors leading out to an enormous balcony. Neil wanted to inspect the view from it, but when Todd turned left into the west wing of the house, all he could do was follow. Todd pointed out the bathroom as they passed it and then led Neil to the guestroom at the end of the hall.

“Here” Todd mumbled opening the door slightly so they could peer inside.

“Nice” Neil said just to say something. “Eh… Where’s… where’s Jeff’s room?”

“It’s on the other side” Todd said.

So Neil looked at the door opposite the guestroom and pointed to it. “There?”

“No, no” Todd said, _and was that a smile?_ “That’s me. Jeff’s old room is on the other side of the house, close to our parent’s”

“Ah, I see” Neil said, the annoyance bubbling somewhere beneath the surface. He didn’t know why it irritated him so much to not get to share a room with Jeff. Shouldn’t he be at least a little grateful to get his own space? After all they weren’t really dating.

“I’m sorry about dad” Todd said suddenly. “They’re a little… old fashioned”

The words were delivered with uncertainty, but still there was a message in it somewhere of good will. Todd was trying to be, not just polite, but friendly maybe? It warmed Neil that Todd who was so obviously shy still tried to reassure him.

Todd left him to unpack. Neil sat down on the bed with a heavy sigh. It was a beautiful room, definitely bigger than his dorm room on campus and more elegantly decorated, in soft hues of a greyish green. The view from the window wasn’t too bad either. In the distance there were small glowing lights from the nearest town. It was probably a lovely sight a late winter night. Also a little isolating.

When Neil was done he tracked his way down to the living room where Jeff and his father sat in the armchairs, discussing something. Neil went over and sat down next to Jeff, who smiled softly at him and Neil melted just a little. Jeff reached for his hand and held on tightly as Mr. Anderson cleared his throat to bring them back on the subject, which turned out to be some dull juristic case. Mr. Anderson was a lawyer, and he’d be damned to see at least one of his sons become one as well. Neil tuned out the conversation by looking round at the room. Neither Todd nor Mrs. Anderson was anywhere in sight, but he could hear faint sounds from the kitchen. Neil’s eyes caught on a display of diplomas and trophies. From where he sat he couldn’t quite see what they were for but they gleamed golden in the soft light. When he thought about it, it was the only thing in the room with some personality to it. Otherwise the living room felt barren in a sense. It was cluttered with decorative things, but they were a little too pristinely placed which gave of the feeling of a home-decorating magazine. It was impersonal.

Mrs. Anderson bustled into the room, bringing some life with her as she handed out drinks and appetizers. There was a clear tang of liquor to the drink, but compared to the concoctions Charlie could make up it was rather bland.

“Where’s Todd?” asked Neil after taking a sip.

“Probably in the library” answered Mrs. Anderson. “We’ll be lucky if we see him at dinner”

She chuckled, but it didn’t feel like a joke. Neil just nodded, feeling his hand getting clammy where Jeff still held on to it, so he subtly retracted it. 

The dinner was served in the dining room. The plates where laid out with scrutinizing precision. On the middle of the table stood a big bouquet of dahlias that obscured the sight of the person opposite. Neil and Jeff where seated side by side with their backs to the windows. Mr. Anderson took the high seat, with his wife on his right side. Todd sat on Mrs. Anderson’s other side, opposite Neil.

“So Neil,” Mr. Anderson said. “Jeff tells me you’re studying to become a doctor”

“Oh, that’s very admirable” said Mrs. Anderson.

Neil, who’d just taken a bite of the roasted vegetables, swallowed it down with some wine and nodded.

“Yeah, I… wanna do something important”

Jeff’s parents nodded in agreement, looking pleased with the answer.

“It must be difficult” said Mrs. Anderson.

“It’s a lot to learn, yes, but if one only devotes the time”

It was something his father had said. _If you only devote enough time to it, you will manage just fine._ And, well, Neil didn’t have much time for any hobbies, and he found the anatomy lessons a little unsettling, but otherwise he thought he was doing rather fine. His parents probably would have like if his grades were a little higher, but Neil passed and he was satisfied with that.

“When did you know you were going to be a doctor?” Mr. Anderson asked.

Not _how_ or _why_ , but when… When? _Well, when my father decided I was going to be one._ He couldn’t say that now could he. Neil fumbled for a moment with his napkin as he answered.

“Since I was eight”

Neil caught Todd’s gaze briefly from between the dahlias. His mask had slipped somewhat and he looked questioning, doubtful. Neil quickly turned his gaze to Jeff, who’d finished his plate and now sat leaned back. A gentle smile slipped on his face as he realized Neil was watching him.

“And how did you meet Jeff?” Mrs. Anderson asked.

“Oh, we met at the school editorial” Neil said. “Jeff is chief editor and I’m second editor.”

“That’s nice” said Mrs. Anderson.

It was quiet for a moment, like if no one said anything about it, Jeff’s supposed relationship with another man could be conveniently forgotten. That’s when a small voice piped up from opposite Neil.

“H-How… How…” Todd mumbled, half a stutter. He looked up at Neil and there was a question in his eyes dying to get out, but the words didn’t come. Neil felt his smile soften at it. Todd reminded him of a scared puppy. “How d-did…”

“Speak up, Thomas!” Mr. Anderson’s voice boomed from the high end of the table.

Todd fell silent immediately. Neil could see how he bowed his head, gaze falling down on his plate, the upper part of his face now obscured by a large red flower. Neil ducked his head somewhat till he could make out more of Todd’s face again.

“How did we what?” he asked in his softest voice.

Todd looked up at him, a little startled. No, surprised. Was he surprised that Neil had asked him or that anyone in general actually cared about his opinion? Neil had seen enough of Todd’s interaction with his parents to realize that their relation wasn’t the most natural. It seemed they’d rather give most of their attention to Jeff. But that could be because they hadn’t seen their oldest in a while, that was probably it.

Neil could see as Todd collected himself before he finally got his question out in a soft timber. “How did you know… that you… wanted to be together?”

Jeff laughed at that. While Mr. and Mrs. Anderson seemed a little bothered with this turn of conversation. Eventually Jeff was the first to answer.

“Oh, you know… When you know, you know”

Neil wasn’t satisfied with that. “I knew from the moment you helped me study for my first exam, you remember that time?”

Now it was Jeff’s turn to look a little startled, but then he nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I remember. It was the one with the nervous system right?”

It had not been the one with the nervous system, but Neil didn’t bother to correct him, he simply nodded as Mrs. Anderson changed the subject by declaring it was time for dessert. Todd excused himself, and Neil was actually sad to see him go.

Later that night, when Neil had crawled into bed, he thought about Todd’s hesitance to speak and compared it to Jeff’s never wavering self-confidence. Siblings weren’t made in the same form, despite popular belief, they could be as different as strangers were, Neil knew that, but still... Maybe it was just Todd being an introvert and Jeff an extrovert, but Neil felt unsettled by the way the Anderson’s seemed to treat their sons so differently. They favored them differently. Before going to bed, they had settled down in the living room once more with a shot of whiskey each and Neil had taken the opportunity to examine the display of trophies closer. They all carried Jeff’s name, only one diploma for a writing contest wore Todd’s name. God, this was not what Neil had expected when he’d agree to act as Jeff’s date, to have his mind occupied not by Jeff but Jeff’s younger brother.

Neil couldn’t sleep. He checked his phone, it was close to midnight, and Neil considered calling Charlie. While he knew Charlie would never mind talking to him, he still didn’t feel like bothering him. He’d call Charlie the first thing in the morning, he decided. Maybe if he could find something to read? He considered finding something on his phone, but had read too many medical articles advising against it. And if he was honest with himself, he was restless, he needed to move. Before he could change his mind, Neil crept out of his room and down to the library.

The entire house was silent and dark, but a small light leaked out from the small library. Neil crept closer, sneaking a peek inside. There, in the far corner, curled up by the window with a reading lamp lit, sat Todd reading. Neil cleared his throat, and tried his best not to laugh as Todd jumped almost a feet into the air.

“Shit” Todd exclaimed. “I didn’t hear you”

“I’m sorry” Neil grinned. “I couldn’t sleep and I thought I’d borrow something to read. Any tips?”

Todd considered this question closely, than: “Do you like poetry?”

“Yeah, sure” Neil said, he’d probably read his fill in high school, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“I- I think we have a copy of…” Todd began as he went searching through the book cases. “Ah, here it is.”

Todd handed him a beat up copy of _Leaves of grass._

“Walt Whitman?” Neil said surprised. “We had a teacher in English, Mr. Keeting, when I was in high school. He must have been obsessed with Whitman”

“Mr. Keeting? At Welton?” Todd asked. “I think one of my friends had him as well. Eccentric, right?”

“I’d say so, yes” Neil said with a laugh.

Todd smiled softly at him and for some reason Neil felt himself blush. He tried to cover it by looking down at the book. Studying it very closely.

“I’ve never actually read Whitman” Neil said.

“It’s m… He’s really good”

“I trust it. Thank you for the tips. I’ll leave you to… what were you doing?” Neil had always been too curious for his own good.

“Oh, nothing I was just…” Todd gestured vaguely at some books and a notebook laying open. When Neil leaned closer he could see writing filling the pages. ‘ _I close my eyes, and this image floats before me’,_ Neil managed to read before Todd has moved in the way, obscuring Neil’s view on the page. 

“You’re a writer!”

“I- I- I-“ Todd stammered, then his face fell. “No, not really. I just write reviews for the local paper”

“Oh, on like movies or books or such?” asked Neil and Todd nodded. “How did you come by that?”

“I dropped out of law school” Todd said. “And, well, I needed something to do”

“Wow, Todd, that’s…” Neil was lost for words, his father would never allow him to drop out of medical school.

“Not so impressive? A failure?” Todd said, bitterness leaking into his voice and Neil hated the sound of it.

“No, no, no” Neil reassured. “I’m actually… a little jealous”

Todd looked at him wide eyed and a blush crept upon his face. All Neil could think was _shit, his nothing like Jeff, he’s beautiful._ Before Neil did something really stupid, he thanked Todd again and excused himself. By the time he had reached the stairs he was practically running, book pressed close to his chest.


	2. One way or another

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for light homophobia

Early Monday morning Neil was still reading _Leaves of grass._ He was enthralled. It wasn't Shakespeare exactly, but there was still something beautiful about it. There was something liberating to the verse, or perhaps the lack of it. It felt freeing. 

_I sing a song of myself  
As others have done before me  
But none has sung a song quite like this  
because this one is mine  
And there will never be anyone like me_

God, he felt that.

A knock fell on the door. Neil jumped out of bed, scrambling for his pajama pants lying halfway under the bed, before opening. He was a little _~~disappointed~~ _surprised to see Jeff. 

Jeff wore his signature smile, white and blinding. It sparkled its way up to his eyes and Neil could feel his knees buckle. He cursed his weak body for giving him away like that. 

"Morning" Jeff smirked, self-assured if anything. "Can I come inside?"

Neil could only nod and moved out of the way as Jeff entered. He sat down in an armchair over which’s back Neil had thrown yesterday’s clothes. This did not seem to bother Jeff in the slightest.

“Slept well?”

“Yeah, sure” said Neil, even though he’d been awake for most of the night. “And you?”

“Splendid” Jeff smiled.

“So…?” Neil began, gesturing slightly to indicate Jeff’s presence.

“So, I told mum and dad I was waking you up before breakfast, and that it might… take some while” Jeff said, making complicated motions with his eyebrows, while still smirking.

Neil blushed at the implication and Jeff laughed. It did however ease some tension between them and Neil sank down on the bed.

“I met Todd on my way over” Jeff said out of the blue. “He told me he met you in the library last night”

“Oh, yeah” Neil said, and why did he suddenly feel like he was hiding some great secret? “I couldn’t sleep and Todd borrowed me a book”

“Was it _Leaves of grass_?” Jeff asked amused.

“Yeah, actually, how did you…?”

“It’s his favorite. For a while when he was seventeen or something it was literally the only book he read” Jeff said, smile etched permanently on his face. 

“Oh”

“He loves poetry. He writes his own sometime” Jeff said.

Neil nodded and brought one leg up to rest his chin on his knee. He thought for a moment and then decided to ask about something that had bothered him since last night.

“He’s very quiet…” Neil began.

“Todd? Yeah, he is.” Jeff nodded and his smile dimmed somewhat. “Sometimes it’s like he exists in two worlds at the same time. In our world, reality, and his own world of dreams. He’s always been like that. I think mum and dad have had a hard time understanding that part of him”

"I see" said Neil, nodding slowly. Well, it made sense enough for him to let the issue go for the moment. 

“Anyway, I thought I was going to clue you in on the plans for the week” Jeff smiled. “The wedding is on Thursday”

“That I actually knew”

“Good, grasshopper, you’re learning” Jeff’s grin was infuriating.

Neil wanted to smack him. With his lips. On Jeff’s.

“So today there is a picnic with games. I think it is to get the wedding parties closer to each other you know, they’re supposed to be family after all. And tomorrow is the bachelor party. It’s optional if you want to go, but I think it would be more entertaining for you to join me and Todd than sitting at home with mum and dad”

Neil was a little surprised. “You’re invited to the bachelor party?”

“Yeah, course, Todd and Knox are childhood friends. Knox has been around a lot. Anyway, I was the one who introduced him and Chris.” Jeff said, smile never faltering.

“That was you’re first mistake” Neil joked.

Jeff laughed. “Yeah, probably was. God, their insufferable together. But you know what, I’m actually really happy for them.”

Neil nodded, smile soft, studying Jeff’s open face. He looked so genuine that Neil couldn’t help but be impressed with him. He wasn’t sure he himself would handle it so well, to have your partner break up with you only to marry someone else six months later. Neil shuddered at the thought. 

“So what happens on Wednesday?” Neil asked to derail his own mind before he could get swallowed by his fears of never knowing love.

“On Wednesday there is an official dinner with family. And well, we’re practically family at this point so we have to be there.”

“This is a little wild” Neil said, laughing slightly. “It sounds like something from a movie.”

“They’re both hopeless romantics. Have probably seen all wedding movies there is, for inspiration”

They laughed for a bit, calming down in to easygoing smiles. Jeff looked at his watch, humming slightly before standing up.

“I think we’ve been in here long enough to at least get them wondering. You better change, first breakfast then we’ll leave after ten”

Jeff stepped out and Neil changed into jeans and a nice enough shirt. Jeff waited by the stairs, gave him an appraising look and nodded approvingly. The rest of the Anderson family was already gathered around the dining table. Breakfast went by uneventfully, but Neil couldn’t shake the feeling of being closely observed. Every time he looked up, though, the others seemed deeply concentrated on their food. Conversation was sparse. When it was finally time to leave it was as if everyone drew a breath of relief and the tension slowly dissipated. Mr. Anderson suggested they take two cars and Neil couldn’t be happier with the decision. He wasn’t nearly as surprised as Mr. and Mrs. Anderson was when Todd asked to go with him and Jeff.

“How… How did you like the… “ Todd started once they had climbed into the car, his voice a little unsteady, and Neil glanced back over his shoulder to see the way Todd wringed his hands together.

“The book?” Neil asked gently. “I loved it”

“Really?” Todd asked, something about his tone seemed so hopeful that Neil found it sort of heartbreaking.

Neil looked over to Jeff, who smiled encouragingly, before concentrating on the road.

“Yeah, I really did” Neil said earnestly, and was gifted one of Todd’s rare smiles, tinted with the hint of a blush. Neil could only smile in return.

Soon enough they were at the park where the picnic would take place. It was a beautiful place only rivaled by the clear blue sky overhead. The sun was beating down and flowers were in bloom, grass green under their feet as they set up on a hillside.

Chris Noel and her husband to be immediately came over to greet the Andersons. Chris threw her arms around Jeff as if it was the most natural thing in the world, while Knox tucked Todd into a tight embrace. Then they both turned to Neil with polite smiles. Knox startled somewhat, as did Neil.

“Neil?” he said. “Neil Perry?”

“Knox Overstreet!” Neil exclaimed once he recognized his former classmate, they had both went to Wellton and while they were never close, Neil knew that Charlie and Knox had been somewhat good friends.

“You’re still friends with Dalton?” Knox asked, as if to prove the point, and Neil nodded eagerly.

“Yeah! God, he’d be surprised to hear we’ve seen each other” Neil said, embracing Knox.

“I bet” Knox laughed, still as easy as it had been back in high school.

Todd and Jeff both stood staring at them, twin looks of surprise on their faces. Eventually Jeff’s curiosity got the better of him. “You know each other?”

“Of course we do” Knox said. “Went to Hellton together, didn’t we?”

Neil laughed as did Knox, and after a while so did Jeff. He’d also been to Welton and was familiar with the not so pleasant nickname. With her arm snaked around Knox, Chris only shook her head, a wide smile on her lips. Seeing them together Neil understood what Jeff had meant by insufferable, they looked a little too perfect together. Not like a Hollywood movie, mind you, but the way that couples who’ve stayed together for sixty years probably looked in their youth.

“Well, it’s nice to see you again, Neil” Chris said, and Knox nodded his agreement. Then they went on to greet Mr. and Mrs. Anderson and the other guests arriving. Arm in arm, smiling at each other like idiots. Neil sort of fell in love with their love.

The Andersons went to set up their blankets next to Chris’ parents. When the first fish crawled up on land it was for evolution to end up at the moment where Mr. and Mrs. Anderson met Mr. and Mrs. Noel. As far as people goes, this was a match made in heaven. They looked like twin commercials from the fifties, and honest to god, it freaked Neil the hell out.

Mr. and Mrs. Noel asked Jeff a ton of questions and once they found out he ‘dated’ Neil, turned on him with well-meaning greetings and jokes, like: _so you are the reason Jeff here left our darling daughter?_ If only, Neil thought, while growing more uncomfortable with the attention.

Growing bored with being left out, Todd sauntered away from them. Neil watched him from the corner of his eye as the otherwise shy boy greeted two friends enthusiastically. Neil’s attention was however soon snatched away as Jeff, out of the blue, planted the softest kiss to his temple. Neil blushed furiously. Mrs. Noel awed at them while Jeff’s parents tactically turned their heads away. Neil could only guess how they would react if Jeff had actually kissed him on the mouth. Well, he’d never know.

“Where did Todd go off to?” wondered Mrs. Anderson as she started unpacking the food.

“I think he greeted some friends” Neil supplied.

“Ah, Meeks and Pitts” Jeff said and settled in close to Neil, until it almost felt like Neil would end up in his lap. _Huh, went from zero to a hundred real quick._ God, he needed to call Charlie so he could went.

Jeff was smirking as he met Neil’s gaze and Neil smiled back. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson settled down so they could talk freely with Chris’ parents, practically turning their backs on Jeff and Neil. Jeff’s smile grew ever wider, but Neil was slightly unsettled by the motion. It reminded him too much of something his own father would do, and well, that was never a nice comparison.

“Meeks and Pitts?” Neil asked after a while, having recognized the names.

“Do you know them too?” Jeff smiled. “Went to Welton, friends with Knox”

Neil looked to where Jeff pointed out his brother and one really tall young man flanked by a redhead in glasses and yes, Neil did recognize them.

“Oh my god, I think they built an illegal radio once”

“Wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest. They almost blew up my car that one time” Jeff laughed. “You wouldn’t think it, but I’m starting to suspect that my brother is a hell-raiser considering the sort of friends he has”

Jeff reached over handing Neil a Tupperware with sandwiches and Neil gratefully took one. After Jeff had taken one as well, he cupped his hand around his mouth and hollered for Todd to join them. The youngest Anderson excused himself and came sprinting over. Lithe body moving with ease, and maybe Neil had misjudged him in thinking he wasn’t much of an athlete. Perhaps he had more in common with his brother than first impression suggested.

“Is it turkey?” Todd asked, looking suspiciously at the sandwich.

“Chicken, I think” said Neil, now scrutinizing the sandwich as well.

Todd nodded, seemingly pleased and took a bite. Why was Neil still staring at him? _God, stare at someone else! Stare at Jeff._ So Neil turned his head only to catch Jeff’s amused grin. _Bad idea, abort!_

“I- I promised I would call a friend, excuse me” Neil said and stood swiftly.

The Anderson brothers followed his movements closely as he made his way to the edge of the gathering and down the small hill. Once he felt he was far enough away, he lent up against a tree trunk, took a calming breath and facetimed Charlie.

“Neil, my dude!”

“Nuwanda” Neil greeted as he was faced with Charlie’s dark red lips and perfectly winged eye-liner. “Going out?”

“Nah, just trying something for the show” Charlie said, smacking his lips together.

“It looks good!” Neil encouraged. “Could go well with that black dress you bought a month ago”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought” Charlie said, then a slow grin spread across his face. “And how is my favorite lover boy doing?”

Neil chuckled. “Honest to god, I’m confused”

“Yeah, I know, I have that effect on people”

“Charlie!” the scolding had no effect as Neil almost instantly began laughing. “Yesterday, Jeff was really distant and suddenly today it feels like he’s all over me”

“Congrats, bud, isn’t that what we want to happen?” Charlie smirked.

“Yeah, no, I mean… I’d like it if he’d talked with me about it first, you know”

“You’re an actor Neil, act.” Charlie said. “Wait, I know that face, this is not the only thing bothering you right? Is it the homophobic parents?”

“I mean they’re not helping, but they’re handling it surprisingly well” Neil sighed. “It’s his brother”

“What about him? Is he a jerk? Should I come over and beat him up?”

Neil laughed. The thought was too outlandish. No matter how he tried it was impossible to picture Charlie and Todd in a fight. Well, he could picture Charlie just fine, had seen him getting into brawls enough to last a life time. But Todd, quiet, careful Todd, Neil couldn’t imagine he’d even step on a beetle if he could avoid it.

“No, I don’t think that would end well” Neil smiled.

“Oh, you’ve seen me in a fight, I can be dirty” Charlie waggled his eyebrows, making the otherwise beautiful makeup look almost comical.

“I know, that’s the problem” Neil laughed. “Jeff’s brother is actually… really sweet”

“Ooooh, double trouble” Charlie crooned.

“It’s not like that” Neil said, his eyebrows huddling together. On the little picture on the screen showing his face, he could see his own confusion. “We’ve barely talked”

“Uh-huh, so what’s with the face?”

“What face?” a voice came from out of view.

“Cameron, get out!” Charlie shouted, face scrunching up in annoyance.

“Is that Neil?” Cameron asked, red hair and freckled face appearing over Charlie’s shoulder as Charlie did his best to whack him out of the way.

“Hi, Cameron” Neil waved, laughing.

“Cameron, I swear, if you don’t get out, I’m gonna hide your calculator!”

“Fine, fine, I’m going!”

Charlie sighed heavily as Cameron disappeared from sight. Neil tried and failed to hide his amusement while Charlie made rude gestures to the side.

“Neil?” a gentle voice said behind him and Neil whirled around.

“God, Todd, is this revenge for yesterday?” Neil exclaimed, putting his hand to his heart.

He might have over-acted it a bit, but it was worth it when he saw the blush creeping onto Todd’s features, a small smile spreading over thin, pink lips. It made him look almost angelic as the sun shone through his dark blonde hair, creating a semi-halo around him. Neil was struck speechless for a moment.

“Who’s Todd?!” Charlie shouted from the other side of the phone, interrupting Neil’s train of thought rather rudely. He was sort of glad for it though. Blush spreading over his face as he leaned closer to Todd until both their faces were visible on the screen.

“Hello, Todd!” Charlie waved and Todd made a small waving motion back.

“This is Todd, Jeff’s brother” Neil said and could see Charlie’s mouth forming to say something most likely improper. Neil shut him down quickly. “And this is Charlie, my best friend”

“I like your make-up” Todd said, voice timid but earnest.

“Why, thank you!” Charlie smirked, proudly.

“Jeff asked me to look for you. The games are starting soon. Knox is getting impatient”

“Knox?” asked Charlie.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I’m going to Knox Overstreet’s wedding. I gotta go, call you later!”

“No, no, wait! Neil, no!”

Before Neil had the time to think any more about it he was dragged by the hand to the starting line of a three-legged race. Jeff bound their legs together as Neil observed their competition. Beside them where Meeks and Pitts, wearing red hats, and on the other side of them two of Chris’ friends. Beyond them were Chris and Knox themselves, wearing a white veil and a black top-hat. At the end of the line stood Todd and Ginny in blue. _So the hats symbolized team-colors then._

The start signal went and chaos erupted as everyone tried to find the perfect rhythm to run along. It took some time but once they’d done that, Jeff pulled Neil closer. Both their competitive sides shone through like beacons and they were off. Pitts and Meeks slacked behind due to their different heights and gaits. Chris’ friends fared much better while Knox and Chris had already keeled over somewhere behind them. Todd and Ginny, being almost the same height did surprisingly well and had soon caught up with Neil and Jeff. Once Jeff noticed how close they were he widened his steps and Neil was quick to follow. They reached the finish line with a jubilant shout. Todd and Ginny coming in second, while the bride and groom still laid on the grass arguing for all they were worth, never reaching the finish line.

Neil in his excitement pressed his lips firmly against Jeff’s cheek. Then he curled in on himself, ready to apologize but Jeff only smiled and pulled him into a hug. Over Jeff’s shoulder he noticed Ginny pecking a kiss to both of Todd’s cheeks and Neil felt his own smile dim for some unimaginable reason.

The games that followed went in pretty much the same fashion, with a close tie between Jeff and Neil, and Todd and Ginny. It soon became a battle between siblings and none of the other teams had a chance. Knox and Chris faring the worst, coming last in all the games. Eventually Knox’s mother called quits, to Knox’s great embarrassment, and suggested they’d play a game of soccer instead. Chris and Knox ended up team captains with Chris’ team winning in the end. Neil had the good fortune to be on the winning team.

“You could have let us score a goal at least once” Knox complained, as everyone started to pack their things up, ready to go. “We’re getting married on Thursday”

Chris only smirked, her arms around Ginny and Todd’s shoulders. “No way!”

Jeff, arm slung around Neil’s shoulder, laughed. “See it as something to work on in your marriage.”

Chris let go of Ginny and Todd only to saunter over and punch Jeff in the arm. Then she embraced him and Neil, thanking them for coming and congratulating them on scoring the most points.

Neil went to hug Knox next. “I’m sorry, I am”

“No you’re not” Knox groused, but soon he was laughing as well.

“No, I’m definitely not. We won the prize!” Neil said, hefting a basket with candy and wine into the air.

“I was looking forward to that” Knox said longingly.

"I'm sure you did!" Jeff laughed. 

Neil was in awe of the way his smile never seemed to waver. In some small hidden part of him, it must hurt to watch his ex-girlfriend be this happy with someone else, but Jeff never showed it. His easy smile turned to Neil, and they made their goodbyes before Jeff lead the way over to the car. 

“Now we know what we’re doing tonight” Jeff said. 

“And what is that?”

“Watch movies and eat ourselves sick on sugar” Jeff smirked. “How about that Mr. Future-doctor?”

“Sounds lovely” Neil laughed and seated himself, holding tight to the basket. “Hey, where’s Todd?”

“Oh, he’s going with Ginny”

“God, I never got the chance to properly talk to her” Neil sighed.

“Trust me, you’ll see more of her” Jeff said, starting the car. “I’ve been trying to set them up for years now, and I think we’re finally getting somewhere”

“Ginny and Todd?” Neil asked, sounding disbelieving to his own ears.

“Yeah, why not? They get along great”

Something ugly clenched in Neil’s chest, it felt a lot like jealousy, but who was he even jealous of? Neil was literally in the only one place he wanted to be. In Jeff Anderson’s car with his undivided attention. With the ghost of Jeff’s lips still grazing his temple. Neil couldn’t be happier, so why wouldn’t his mind shut up about Todd?

Jeff made good on his promise. Once they’d gotten home, they excused themselves from dinner and curled up in Jeff’s queen-sized bed. They watched some random action movie with the basket of candy placed between them. Jeff had stolen his parents’ favorite coffee-mugs from the kitchen and filled them to the top with wine. As the movie went on Neil curled closer to Jeff, resting his head upon the other’s shoulder. He didn't pay much attention to the plot, only really looking everytime an explotion went off on screen. Otherwise his eyes were firmly placed on Jeff's sharp jawline and concentrated furrow of brows. The sharpness of him suddenly made him look, not brutish, but unrefined in a way that Neil had never thought of before. He found himself unconsciously comparing Jeff's features to Todd. The nose was too sharp, Jeff's fringe curled the wrong way and his eyes suddenly seemed to lack clarity and depth. Somehow they weren't blue enough. 

Whenever Jeff caught him staring, Neil pretended to watch the movie. Eventually his lack of sleep caught on to him and he drifted swiftly into dreamland. Before he fell asleep however he thought he felt Jeff's nose burrowing into his hair, but that was probably just imagination. 

Before midnight, Mrs. Anderson came knocking. She leant against the doorpost peering into the semi-darkness of Jeff's bedroom. Neil looked blearily back at her, feeling a little lost in his newly awaken grogginess. 

"We're going to bed now" said Mrs. Anderson. 

It was a clear hint she thought Neil should do the same, going to sleep in his own bed. Reluctantly Neil crawled out of Jeff's loose embrace, humming a quiet goodnight and for show kissing Jeff on the brow. Mrs. Anderson cleared her throat and Jeff smirked back up at her. 

Neil followed Mrs. Anderson out into the corridor. He turned to leave but she stopped him and ushered him over and out onto the balcony. The view was just as amazing as he had imagined it to be, but he didn't get the time to truly appreciate it. 

Worry lined Mrs. Anderson's face as she turned to him. She looked almost apologetic and something churned unpleasantly in the pit of Neil's stomach. It reminded him too much of the looks his mother used to give him when his father was particularly unreasonable and she didn't agree with him but wouldn't question his decisions. 

“Neil” Mrs. Anderson said, her voice gentle. “You’re a really nice young man and we like you a lot. We really do, but you must understand that Jeff… This is just a phase for him”

Neil felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. This was his father’s words. He honestly thought, naïve perhaps, that Jeff’s parents would be different, better. Despite the unease, they had seemed genuine in their welcoming of him. 

“He will marry a nice girl someday and settle down and start a family of his own. I am terribly sorry that he’s using you like this”

She placed her hand as soft as her youngest son’s demeanor against his face. It couldn’t have felt more like a slap if she had actually hit him. The worst part was that in some sick way she was right, Jeff was using him to annoy his parents and apparently that had succeeded. Neil took some twisted pride in it, and before he left he turned to her, voice leaking with barely surpressed venom.

“I’ll be an Anderson one day, just you wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The picnic game scene was awkward to write, I don't know what I did there


	3. Don't let a good thing die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tuesday means bachelor party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be karaoke in this chapter, because I'm corny as fork

He didn’t tell Jeff what Mrs. Anderson had told him, no matter how many times Jeff asked about it. Neil had been in a bad mood all morning. Not even Jeff’s offer to take him out on a breakfast ‘date’ could cheer him up, if anything it made Neil even more irritated. It was just another reminder of the fakeness of the entire thing. First chance he got, he excused himself to go call Charlie. Neil was more than a little surprised when Cameron was the one to answer.

“Sorry, Charlie’s in the shower but he made me promise to answer if you called. It was of _utter most importance_ that you weren’t ignored” said Cameron’s voice, prim as ever over the phone.

“Thank you” Neil said, earnestly. “I really need to talk to someone right now”

“What has happened?”

“You and Charlie were right” Neil admitted, after a while, biting his lip. “This was a terrible idea”

“I’m so sorry” Cameron said and there truly was sympathetic pain in his voice, maybe Neil had misjudged him, maybe he was capable of human emotions. “Do you… eh, want to talk… about it?”

_Let’s not make assumptions._

“Yeah, I really do” Neil said, realizing he didn’t care if he upended his entire inner world to Cameron in this moment, just as long as someone would listen to him. Someone familiar. “I don’t understand feelings”

“In general or any in particular?”

“I don’t know”

Neil was sat outside a diner in a pretentious small town in Vermont, talking to his best friend’s estranged roommate and feeling close to crying. Why did he have to fall in love with someone he could never have? And the more pressing question, why did he have to follow that unrequited dream to act an annoyance to said dream’s parents? Charlie had been right, and Neil never liked it when that happened, because Charlie wasn’t right all that often, but when he was, it almost always concerned life-changing events that Neil would be bitter for having not taken seriously. More than anything it hurt. It hurt to never be good enough for anyone to love him. Or rather, that whatever love he received was conditional. _We would be proud of you_ IF _you become a doctor. I’ll spend time with you_ IF _you’ll do me a favor. I love you if…_

Neil choked on a sob.

“Neil?” Cameron’s voice through the phone was worried. “Neil, what’s happening?”

There were many things in Neil’s life he wasn’t proud of but crying in Cameron’s ear was quickly making it to top three. But he cried none the less. Fat, ugly tears were making their streaked journey down his face as his breath broke on yet another sob. The only thing that could make it worse were if Jeff found him like this. He prayed to whatever divine power there was that Jeff wouldn’t.

“I’m getting Charlie… if I have to drag him out of the shower myself”

Neil sniveled on a laugh, surprising himself. He listened as a chaos of screaming and name-calling erupted on the other end of the line until Charlie’s soothing voice was in his ear.

“Hey, Neil, what’s going on?”

And Neil couldn’t speak. Not that it had made much difference since he wouldn’t be able to explain himself either way. He sobbed and desperately wished that Charlie was there to hold him. He cried freely now.

“Neil, please, please, talk to me” Charlie begged.

“Y-You an-d C-C-Cameron were r-right” Neil managed after struggling for breath.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Charlie soothed. “It’s gonna be alright. Whatever it is we’ll solve it”

Neil didn’t have the heart, nor the voice, to tell him that nothing was okay. That nothing would be alright, because there was nothing in this situation anyone could solve. He tried to compose himself and took some calming breaths all the while listening to Charlie repeating words of comfort. 

“You were right” Neil said again, once he’d calm himself down enough to talk again. “Why do I always settle for this?”

“For what?” Charlie asked gently.

“Loving people who don’t love me. Jeff… My parents”

“Your parents being shitty is not your fault” Charlie said with force. “And Jeff, well, he can’t help being who he is any more than you can”

“I know” Neil sighed. “God!”

“Neil, listen here, cause this is important” Charlie urged. “There are people who love you for who you are, without conditions.”

“Who?” Neil asked, at the moment the idea felt farfetched. Who had ever loved him without there being something he had to perform for them? If not even his parents could, it was a lot to ask strangers to do it.

“Well, me of course! And Cameron… on good days. And Gloria at the bar likes you, she thinks you’re groovy!”

Neil couldn’t help but laugh. It was feather light and broken, but god, it felt good. He loved Charlie infinitely in that moment.

“People can show kindness without expecting anything in return” Charlie said. “Just, I don’t know, think about the last time that happened and hold on to that”

Neil thought for a moment. The idea felt silly until a gentle face slowly appeared before his inner eye. Chrystal blue looking back at him, a poetry book stretched out between them. With a breathless whisper the name slipped from his tongue.

“Todd”

“What about Todd?” Charlie asked, sounding suspiciously curious.

“He lend me a book my first night here, I- I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to bother you”

“You know I like when you’re bothering me” Charlie said, his voice syrupy with sympathy and love. “But that’s nice. Todd sounds like a good guy”

“He is” Neil whispered, looking up he saw Jeff coming out of the diner. “I gotta go, thank you Charlie”

“No probs, call tonight?”

“Yeah, yeah, I will” Neil said, saying goodbye and ending the call just as Jeff caught sight of him.

“There you are” Jeff said. “What took you so long?”

“Charlie was in the shower when I called, so I talked to his roommate who went on and on about accounting” Neil lied, hoping the tiny glimpse of goodness in Cameron would survive this slight. In either case, he’d never hear about it.

“Oh, well that’s… Have you been crying?” Jeff asked suddenly, observing Neil’s face closely.

“Uh, no” Neil answered, _damn, you’re convincing._ “It’s… I’m just allergic to pollen”

“Didn’t seem to bother you yesterday when we were out in the park” Jeff said, hands in his pockets. He only stood a couple of feet from Neil, but in that moment it felt like a rift had opened between them, as wide as the Pacific. Yesterday they had been in tune with each other, but Mrs. Anderson’s words had made sure to disrupt that.

“Forgot my medicine today” Neil said, almost convincing himself. “Can we just go home?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure”

The car ride back to the Anderson estate was spent in tense silence, as soon as Jeff had parked Neil tossed himself out of the car and practically ran up to the guestroom. He crashed into Todd on the way. The youngest Anderson having just stepped out of the upstairs bathroom. Todd’s hand’s reached out to steady Neil by the shoulders. His touch unconsciously making soothing motion down Neil’s arms.

“I’m so sorry!” Neil excused himself.

“It’s fine” Todd said gently. “No harm done.”

Neil tried for a smile, but it most have come out a grimace for Todd stopped him before he could leave, eyebrows drawn together in concern.

“How are you?”

And god, Neil couldn’t stand the empathy. It felt far too easy to let himself sink into it, to feel safe and cared for. Like he had a real friend in Todd, someone that had the potential to mean as much to him as Charlie did, had they only met under different circumstances.

“Just fine” Neil said, trying again to push past Todd, but he wouldn’t have it.

“No, you’re not” Todd said and there was this quality to his voice that made Neil want to tell him the truth. The real truth, but he didn’t, of course.

“I- I- I’m just tired” Neil settled for. “Haven’t slept very well and… pollen”

“Oh” Todd said, awkwardly stepping out of the way. “Maybe… eh, try to get some sleep”

“Will do” Neil nodded, making it two steps further down the corridor when he thought of Charlie’s words. _Hold on to that._ He didn’t want to let go of Todd’s kindness just yet. Todd didn’t seem surprised exactly when Neil turned around. The way his eyes quickly drifted away from Neil’s form made it seem almost like… _Like what, Neil? You’re just imagining things cause you feel lonely._ But the way Todd suddenly wouldn’t meet Neil’s eyes made him look… guilty, caught out. _It didn’t mean anything…_

“So where are we going tonight?” Neil managed to ask, before he got too caught up in his own thoughts. 

“You’re coming to Knox bachelor party?” Todd asked, not really surprised but something else.

“Yeah, of course. We went to high school together and all”

Todd smiled then. “Well, we’re going to a karaoke bar”

“Really? Why?” Neil asked feeling suddenly intrigued.

“Because Knox is a corny sap, and we ran out of ideas” Todd grinned.

“Yeah? What were some other ideas?” Neil asked and Todd actually laughed.

“Well, Ginny’s brother Chet thought we should go to a strip club, but Knox would literally kill us if we did. And then Chris would dig us up and kill us again”

Neil stared for a moment, before realizing he wasn’t imagining things, Todd actually had made a joke. Neil laughed so much his sides were beginning to hurt, and good grief, he could imagine it. He felt so immensely grateful for Todd in that very moment he could combust from the feeling.

“Thank you” Neil said, quietly, once they had both calmed down into quiet chuckles and easy going smiles.

Todd looked confused. “For what?”

“Brightening my day” Neil said, and then fled the scene, berating himself all the way back to his room for being such a cliché.

The party of Knox’s bachelor party, consisted of Knox himself – obviously – Meeks and Pitts, Todd, Jeff and Neil, Chet Danbury and some rather obnoxious types talking about some ‘legendary’ Mud. When Neil asked about it both Jeff and Todd just shrugged.

They pushed two tables together, close to the small stage. Neil made sure to sit down next to Meeks and Pitts in order to catch up. They began talking about their respective studies. Meeks and Pitts telling him all about their time at M.I.T and the very nerdy and scientific shenanigans they had been up to since leaving Welton. In return they asked Neil about his medical studies to which he only gave a lack luster response of _“It goes”._ Pitts had the common sense to change the subject then, at the same time Jeff sat down, close enough to Neil to imitate intimacy.

“So this is an unexpected match” Pitts said. “I’m very happy for you though”

“Yeah, you look insanely good together” Meeks added with a chuckle. “Almost jealous”

_Nothing to be jealous of_ , thought Neil, but laced his fingers with Jeff’s for show. Jeff’s hands were dry and it made Neil self-conscious of his own clammy ones. Meeks and Pitts gave them supportive smiles.

Meanwhile Chet had made his way to the bar ordering a round of shots for all of them, upending two tiny glasses of some blue liquid down Knox’s throat and then pushing him up on the stage. The rest of them looked up in a mix of exhilaration and pure embarrassment as Knox took some shaky steps up to the mic. Neil downed his own shot, shaking his head violently as it went down. Jeff laughed beside him, downing his. On the stage, Knox had a shaking grasp on the microphone. Then the music started playing and Neil thought he was going to die from laughter as Knox stuttering started to sing along to _Like a Virgin._

“Did he honestly choose that?” Neil laughed turning to Jeff, who shook his head, pointing to a smirking Chet.

Knox did well enough, considering he wasn’t a natural singer. As soon as he came off the stage he hit Chet in the back of the head before wandering off to the bar to buy another round. Chet and his weird buddies only laughed.

Another brave unfortunate soul stepped on to the stage. She had a sweet voice but lacked most sense of rhythm, but the girl got a round of applause from her friends and seemed happy enough.

Meeks and Pitts put their heads close together and started a whispered argument, which Pitts seemed to win. Meeks downed his remaining shot before following Pitts who was already climbing onto the stage. Neil laughed in pure admiration as the two of them performed a real mean rendition of _Waterloo,_ so in sync that it felt almost surreal. Neil glanced sideways catching sight of Todd, who was filming his best friends’ performance, big grin splitting his face.

The party was soon in full swing and before he knew it, Neil sat staring down his fourth brightly colored drink. Knox clambered onto the stage a second time, now incredibly drunk and dedicating a really cheesy love song to _“The love of my life, Chris Noel!”_

Neil’s attention however was soon snatched by Jeff and Todd, where they now sat next to each other, talking amiably despite the loud music. Once in a while they would laugh at Knox’s antics on the stage. Only now did Neil see how closely related they, as their eyes scrunched up in laugh lines and white teeth parted thin lips. If Neil felt torn before, this didn’t make it any easier.

He didn’t get any time to sort his brain out for when Knox finally sauntered down from the stage he went straight over to Neil and started to pull at his arm. Neil resisted bravely, but Knox was already shouting in his ear.

“Common, Neil! You’re the theater kid! Get up on the stage!”

“No, I’m not singing!” Neil protested, albeit laughing.

“Yes, you are!” Knox insisted.

Neil turned to Jeff for help, who ignored his pleading look and started to shove at Neil’s shoulder. Pitts and Meeks were happily cheering them on in their endeavor to get Neil on that stage.

“Get up there!” Jeff urged.

Neil tried to look for sympathy in Todd, but he only laughed. After a while Neil gave in and let Knox drag him all the way over to the stage, albeit still protesting.

“I don’t know any songs!”

“Just pick something!” Knox said.

Why wasn’t Nuwanda here? Charlie would have aced this, and preferably been so horny for attention that he gladly would take Neil’s spot. Instead Neil was now mounting the small stage, choosing some Elvis song he recognized Charlie had performed once with his band. He tried to compose himself, putting on a mask and entering a different persona. Remembering suddenly how he felt when he had first auditioned for Puck in _A midsummer night’s dream_ all those years ago. The music began playing and Neil saw the words coming on the screen. The nerves went out the window and he just let himself go. His voice sounding a little hoarse before he found the right tone to match the melody. It helped being drunk he realized.

_“We're caught in a trap  
I can't walk out  
Because I love you too much baby  
Why can't you see  
What you're doing to me  
When you don't believe a word I say?”_

He looked out into the audience, realizing people were already bouncing their heads and dancing to the rhythm. It made him braver and when the chorus came he gave as good as he got.

_“We can't go on together  
With suspicious minds  
And we can't build our dreams  
On suspicious minds”  
  
_

His eyes swept over to where the bachelor party sat. Knox was cheering him on, half lying over the table in his excitement as Meeks and Pitts were both stood up dancing to the side. Chet and his weird friends were nodding along. Jeff was laughing, drumming out the rhythm on the table top, using glasses and whatever not. All the while Todd sat quiet, eyes like saucers, looking completely entranced. Neil would have blushed, but now he was feeding off of the attention. He put more into his movements, trying to channel both Elvis and Nuwanda at the same time. Neil thought he made decent job out of it.

Then came the slower part of the song and he crooned into the microphone.

_“Oh, let our love survive  
I’ll dry the tears from your eyes  
Let’s not let a good thing die  
When honey, you know I’ve never lied to you”_

He thought he heard someone wolf-whistle. The pace picked up again and he felt high with the feeling as he sang the outro.

_“Oh, don’t you know  
I’m caught in a trap  
I can’t walk out  
Because I love you too much baby_

_Oh, don’t you know  
I’m caught in a trap”_

After, as Neil stepped off the stage he was shaking, reeling from the experience. He understood now why Charlie did drag. This was the feeling Neil had chased ever since he first started acting and had been forced out of it. He was trembling when he reached his seat. Pitts slapped him hard on the shoulder as Meeks did thumbs up. Knox looked like he was a salt shaker and a couple of empty glasses away from crawling across the table to hug him.

“That was brilliant!” Jeff cheered, leaning close to Neil’s ear to be heard as someone else, feeling inspired, decided to do _Bohemian Rhapsody_. “Let me buy you another drink!”

Jeff rose quickly and headed over to the bar. Todd hopped over to the vacated seat, smile beaming as he met Neil’s eyes. His own blue ones practically glowing. Neil felt a little faint.

“You were amazing!” Todd exclaimed.

“Yeah?” Neil asked, taking deep breaths, suddenly the lyric of the song caught on to him and he did feel trapped. He couldn’t deal with Todd looking at him like that. “I need to get some air”

“Oh” Todd said, looking equal parts surprised and concerned. “I c-can come with you… if you… want?”

“Yeah, sure” Neil said, standing on wobbling legs, aiming for the door.

The night air was chill as he stepped out, jacket forgotten inside. Todd, who’d actually had some foresight had brought his denim one and was now drawing it closer around himself. They took some steps away from the door. Neil gathered himself. Then he yawped as loudly as he could. Turning back to a startled Todd while laughing wildly. Todd smiled, white teeth gleaming and blue eyes sparkling as they never left Neil. Neil felt positively high from it.

“That was… God!” Neil shouted. It was like feeling alive again. Perhaps in too long.

“You used to act right?” Todd asked, seemingly out of the blue. “Ginny told me you were in a play with her once”

Neil felt a twinge of something at the mention of Ginny, but he nodded none the less.

“ _A midsummer night’s dream”_ Neil answered, and then because the alcohol had loosened up his tongue. “My father pulled me out of it the night before the premiere”

“What, why?” Todd asked, sounding a little shocked.

“Because he though acting was a distraction” Neil said, now bitter. “And it kept me from my real goal”

“Which is to become a doctor?”

“Well, yeah, obviously” Neil said. He didn’t like this subject change one bit. Not coming down from the rush so much as flat out crashing. Then to make Neil’s mood even sourer, Todd asked the worst question of them all and the way he asked it made it seem so simple. Still Neil hadn’t been able to think about it in… most of his _god damn life_.

“Do you even want to be a…?” he couldn’t seem to finish the sentence, and Neil felt his heart clench.

“I- I- “ Neil stuttered and then; because if it wasn’t true, he’d wasted too many years of his life, too many dreams and opportunities. “Of course I want to be a doctor”

Todd shook his head. “I don’t buy it. You sound so despondent whenever you talk about it”

Neil felt cornered. “What’s it to you? Not everyone can blindly follow their dreams, Todd!”

“I’m not saying…”

“You couldn’t just have let me have this moment?”

“Neil, I’m sor-“

Neil didn’t let him finish. “So what if I wanted to be an actor, I grew up. Maybe… Maybe you should too!”

He didn’t know where the words came from, but now they were out there, irretrievable. Neil couldn’t stand the kicked puppy look in Todd’s eyes and quickly pushed past him and went back inside. He scrambled to Jeff’s side, took the proffered drink and swallowed it down as fast as he could. Desperately avoiding to look back at the door. The guilt and self-hatred brimming so close to the surface that all he wanted to do was disappear. So he decided to drink himself stupid.

His head felt heavy, dense, as he placed it in someone’s lap, nimble fingers soon carding through his hair. Neil gave up a deep, satisfied sigh, burrowing closer. He squinted up at the person holding him and clear blue eyes peered back. The gaze was so tender and loving, Neil could cry. Instead he reached up to put his hand to a soft cheek and was rewarded with a gentle smile. Fingers brushed hair out of his face.

“Neil. Neil, wake up”

“Todd?” Neil asked.

“Neil!”

Someone shook his shoulder and he was rudely being rushed back to reality. Neil lay on a dingy sofa, smelling of beer and cigarette smoke. Jeff’s murky blue eyes met his, eyebrows drawn together in concern. He looked old and stressed, it was a weird look on him.

“Neil? You with me?”

Neil made himself sit up, his vision spinning. His tongue felt weird as he tried to form words with it. “Course”

“Did Todd tell you where he was going?”

“What?” Neil slurred, confused.

He looked around the room. Off in one corner he could see Chet Danbury trying to chat up some random girl. Closer to the stage sat Pitts comforting a crying Knox, while Meeks was on the phone with someone. By the sounds Knox was making, it was probably Chris. But no matter how his gaze searched, there was no Todd.

“Neil, you gotta work with me here. Did Todd tell you he was going anywhere?”

Neil shook his head, instantly feeling nauseous from the motion. “He followed me out”

“Yeah, that was almost an hour ago”

“He hasn’t come back?”

“For a while, yeah, but then he went out again” Jeff said. “Thought he would come back. You sure he didn’t say anything?”

Neil wrecked his brain, but the only thing he came up with was Todd’s disappointed, sad face. Eventually he gave up and just shook his head.

“Fuck” Jeff murmured, he started to look worried now.

“Tried calling him?”

“Yeah, he isn’t answering. We should probably go” Jeff rose and went over to Pitts and Meeks to tell them they were heading out. Meeks nodded while Pitts brows drew together. Knox looked like a child the way his eyes couldn’t seem to focus on any of their faces.

Meanwhile Neil gathered the jacket he’d used as a pillow and pulled it over his shoulders. His hands were shaking so he burrowed them deep in the pockets. He stood and walked over to the others, carefully placing himself close to Jeff’s elbow.

“Don’t worry” Meeks said. “You go, we’ll take care of Knox”

“Yeah? Great guys” Jeff said. “I’ll call you once we find him”

“Please do” Pitts murmured.

Jeff nodded and then led Neil out into the parking lot, hand on his back. Neil stumbled along, legs still shaky. The cold air helped clearing up his head though, and somewhat more sober the guilt came back.

“It’s my fault”

“What are you talking about?” Jeff said, helping Neil get into the passenger seat.

“We got into an argument. I said something really stupid.”

“I’m sure it’s fine” Jeff said, but he only looked more anxious. “He’s probably just gone home”

Before Jeff sat down behind the wheel he called Mrs. Anderson, who knew nothing about Todd’s whereabouts and only left Jeff looking even more frustrated. He started the car and they began making their way back to the Anderson estate. Neil’s stomach didn’t quite agree with the motion, but he did his best not to be sick all over Jeff’s front seat.

Once they’d gotten halfway, they saw a shadow slumping along between the sparse light from the streetlamps.

“Is that…?” Neil began but Jeff was already slowing down.

Jeff cranked the window down. “Todd, get in the car”

The shadowy figure startled but as he turned around Neil easily recognized him. Todd shook his head, and Neil could see Jeff’s jaw tense.

“Get in the fucking car” Jeff begged, his tone sharp, but not so much out of anger as worry.

Todd eventually relented and climbed into the back seat. Jeff slowly began driving, his eyes flicking from the road to the rearview mirror.

“Why didn’t you answer?” Jeff asked.

“No battery” Todd huffed in answer, gazing out the window.

Jeff however wasn’t letting him off that easy. “You could have told me you were leaving. I could have given you a ride”

“Didn’t wanna bother you”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re not a bother to me?”

Todd didn’t answer. Neil felt increasingly more awkward, and struggled even more to keep his nausea at bay. They spent the rest of the drive in tense silence. Once they reached their destination Jeff was the first to get out of the car, he shut the door with force and marched up to the door. Todd climbed out of the backseat and followed his older brother at a more sedated pace. Neil watched him go, before also he left the car. He took the way through the kitchen, fetching a glass of water. He leaned against the sink, cursing his own existence. God, he needed to sober up real quick. Then he needed to apologize. With a deep sigh, he collected what little courage he had and went up the stairs. The balcony door stood ajar and Neil crept closer. He peered through the opening and saw Todd leaned against the railing. _Now or never._

Neil opened the door further and slipped through. Todd glanced at him over his shoulder and shrunk in on himself slightly. Which only made Neil hate himself more.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Todd only shook his head and then turned away. Neil walked closer.

“I’m… I’m sorry for earlier. I don’t know why I said that, I didn’t mean it”

“It’s fine” Todd murmured.

“It’s not fine!” Neil exclaimed. “I was being a jerk and…”

“I’m sorry too”

“What do you have to be sorry for?” Neil asked, surprise making his tone harsher than he had meant it to be.

“I shouldn’t have… You were right, I shouldn’t have brought it up”

“No, it’s I… maybe I need to face it?” Neil said, unsure. “I… I’ve just accepted my parents deciding my life for me but I mean, I’m old enough to think for myself”

”It’s isn’t… easy” said Todd. “To go against your family’s… expectations.”

“Tell me about it” Neil sighed, leaning against the railing as well. “I- I actually admire you, you know?”

“Why?” Todd asked, eyes glinting in the moonlight as he turned his head to look straight at Neil.

Neil felt himself blush, but he pressed forward. “You’re really brave, I’ve never been that”

“I’m not brave, Neil”

“You dared to quit law school and take command over your own life. To me that is… courage bordering on stupidity.”

Todd laughed, the sound strained and awkward and Neil secretly adored it.

“You make it sound like some big rebellion. It really wasn’t”

“Then tell me how it was like”

And Todd actually did. He told Neil about the arguments he’d had with Mr. Anderson about not wanting to become a lawyer, and how Mrs. Anderson, his own mother, hadn’t bothered inviting him to family dinners for over a month after Todd had dropped out. For a while, after having moved out of his dorm room he’d stayed with Pitts. Then Jeff had heard about it and made such a fuss about it that Mr. and Mrs. Anderson had finally relented and let Todd move back in with them. Todd didn’t sound as morose about it as Neil would have assumed, if anything he seemed indifferent to it. But Neil felt torn open by the story. He was still a little drunk and that made it harder to suppress the anger. 

“God, Todd, that’s… I don’t know, that’s fucked up”

Todd looked up, seeming confused and Neil immediately tried to clarify what he meant.

“I mean, your parents’ reaction, basically kicking you out”

Todd sighed, dragging slender fingers over the steel railing. “Well, I’m surprised they took to you so well”

“I’m not sure they have” said Neil quietly.

“No, they have” Todd said, and then in a voice so low it was difficult for Neil to pick it up. “They would never accept me like that”

“Are you… I mean… is that… are you saying that you’re…?” Neil said, entirely uselessly.

“Yeah.” Todd whispered. “I think so”

“That’s…”

Neil couldn’t find the words. He looked at Todd’s solemn face and felt too many things at once. In the end he pressed his shoulder closer to Todd’s in support and they stayed out on the balcony in silent contemplation. Comfortable in each other’s company.


	4. Take another little piece of my heart now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil gets to spend more time with Todd

Neil woke late. Sun peeking through the window and hitting him square in the face. He threw his arm up to cover his eyes. Waking up was a nightmare. He had the queen mother of all hangovers and for a brief moment he questioned his entire existence. _Fuuuck…_ Neil decided he didn’t care if the world came to an end, he was not leaving this bed.

Then, because no god had ever had mercy on him, someone decided to knock on his door. For a moment, however brief, Neil thought about throwing his phone at it. Thankfully, for his wallet, he decided against it. Instead he went for the second best tactic, ignoring the noise. Maybe the person on the other side would give up if he waited long enough.

“Neil?”

Neil shot right out of bed, feeling as if someone was hammering away at his head, but pushed on still. He had fallen asleep in last night’s clothes. The jeans were fine, but after he had sniffed at the shirt he decided to change it.

“Neil? Eh, are you still alive in there?”

“I’m coming”

_That’s what she said._ Neil shook his head. _Fuck you internalized Nuwanda._

Neil threw on his college sweater, which had been forgotten at the bottom of his bag, and then opened the door. He was met by one of Todd’s precious smiles. Todd was dressed in pajama pants and a printed t-shirt, which shouldn’t look as good on him as it did. It made him look relaxed, like all the anxiety had been carefully scrubbed away. It did things to Neil. He took a deep breath.

“Hi” Neil said, feeling as a dopey smile parted his lips.

“Eh, hi?”

“Hi” Neil said again, because, yeah, he was a little enamored and love is supposed to make you stupid. _You’re not supposed to be in love with Todd!!_

Todd was blushing somewhat. Cheeks dusted a light pink. There was a warmth to him, which made Neil all fuzzy on the inside. Gooey, and it was terrible how good it felt.

“I- I wanted to ask if you’d… if you’d…” Todd tried, face scrunching up in frustration until he seemingly gave in and just ended up blurting: “Have you had breakfast?”

“Actually… you just woke me up” Neil said, and as if on que a yawn broke away.

“Oh, my… I’m so sorry!” Todd began apologizing, eyes comically wide.

“It’s fine, it’s fine” Neil hurried to reassure. “Breakfast sounds great”

“Really?”

Todd was wringing his hands, but there was a hopeful look to him that Neil felt obliged to protect.

“Yeah, course”

“Yeah, right, you just… I woke you up” Todd said, awkwardly looking away and Neil felt overcome with the urge to reach out for him. Instead he reached over to the bedside table and curled his hand around his phone and pocketed it.

“Should we go?”

“Yeah, yeah” Todd said and started down the corridor.

Neil had to quicken his pace to keep up, which his stomach didn’t entirely agree with. Todd eventually noticed and slowed down somewhat, just in time for Neil’s splitting headache to make a reappearance. 

“Do you have any aspirin?”

“Oh, yeah, think we have them in the kitchen” Todd said, concern lacing his features. “Are you ill?”

“Hungover” Neil said, gritting his teeth.

“I’m sorry” Todd said, because apologizing seemed to be his default mood. It made Neil laugh.

“Don’t apologize so much. This,” he pointed to his head. “is literally my own damn fault”

Todd however looked about to apologize again so Neil punched him lightly in the shoulder. Todd let out the most adorable squeak. Neil almost fall over with laughter. The action only led to Todd retaliating and Neil laughed even harder.

When they entered the kitchen they were brushing shoulders and smiling. Neil felt at ease in a way he hadn’t since before Jeff had first proposed this entire fake dating thing. His smile didn’t even falter as they were faced with Mr. Anderson’s disapproving grimace, which in all honesty wasn’t really directed at them so much as the coffeemaker.

“Morning” he greeted them with a lackluster curl of the lip.

“W-What’s wrong?” Todd asked.

“This damn thing decided to give up” Mr. Anderson growled. “Hope you boys weren’t expecting coffee”

Neil really was though. He had desperately hoped that it would cure his hangover. _No such luck._

Mr. Anderson soon gave up trying to fix the thing, and with a sourly grumble exited the kitchen. Meanwhile Todd were digging through the medicine cabinet, producing an aspirin.

“Here you go” he said, handing the pill over with a glass of water.

“You’re a knight in shiny armor” Neil exclaimed. “Thank you”

Todd nodded, blush creeping back over his cheeks. He bowed his head.

“Jeff has this ridiculous hangover cure” Todd told him. “Where he makes orange juice ice-cubes to suck on… but you probably knew that already”

And obviously Neil didn’t, but he forced a laugh, pretending he did. “Yeah, he’s weird”

Todd smiled ruefully at him. Then after a moment too long, shook himself loose of whatever state he’d found himself in and began preparing breakfast. They drank tea and ate sandwiches while talking amiably about anything that came to mind, but eventually they ended up talking about writing.

“Jeff told me you write poetry” Neil said and was delighted to see Todd blush once more.

“Sometimes”

“Can I read it?” Neil asked.

Todd shook his head. “It’s… It’s not that good”

“I’m sure it’s wonderful” Neil said but Todd gave him such a despairing look that he dropped the subject.

After breakfast they spent some time walking around the garden. Neil was overcome with the feeling of never wanting to leave Todd’s side as he listened to Todd talk about his work or tell him stories about his friends. It was mesmerizing to be privy to this. In a way, it almost felt like he was let in on a secret. Like every word Todd said was precious and it was of the out most importance that he remembered them. So he tried to memorize every syllable. Neil was openly staring now, but Todd didn’t seem to mind, he was so wrapped up in telling a story about lovesick Knox. Neil laughed at all the right places and Todd was practically glowing.

When they returned to the back porch, Jeff sat waiting for them on the steps. He waved at them and gave a wide, toothy smile.

“Where have the two of you been off to?” he asked, chuckling as he noticed the flush taking over his brother’s face.

Todd hadn’t stammered once since breakfast, but now he seemed incapable of stringing words together. “W-We…”

Jeff looked amused if anything but soon turned to Neil, too impatient to wait Todd out.

“Todd was just showing me around the garden” Neil answered, shooting Todd a small smile. “And I’m grateful he did”

If Todd was blushing before he now turned a deep red and quickly turned his head away. Neil marveled at how open his face could be, clearly remembering the stoic, impassive mask he had worn just a couple days ago. It was insane to think they had only met this Sunday, Neil already felt as if he had known Todd all his life. Or maybe in another life.

Jeff was grinning at the both of them. And Neil, feeling brave, went over to swat him on the arm. Jeff ducked before he pulled Neil down on top of himself. Neil let out a startled laugh, as he tried to grab for purchase on Jeff’s shoulders. He eventually plopped down beside Jeff and grinned up at Todd, but Todd had turned his gaze up to the sky. Something had shifted in the set of his mouth. Neil desperately wanted to reach out and smooth it away. There was a certain type of dread in seeing someone’s smile fade, especially one as beautiful as Todd’s. Neil was screwed. He looked to Jeff as if something in the elder’s face could clarify Neil’s emotion. He saw nothing. Jeff looked back at him, brows knitting together in soft confusion and he looked nothing like the man Neil remembered. He was still handsome, god knows he was, but there was something about him that had faded. The glow Neil’s love addled mind had attributed to him wasn’t there anymore. That glow, that halo, had started to simmer out and instead attach itself to Todd’s upturned face. To the blue eyes mirroring the sky.

“Knox wanted to talk about best-man rehearsal” Todd said suddenly and before Neil could react, Todd’s legs whizzed past him, up the steps and back inside.

Neil felt his own face fall, all the ease he had felt a moment ago draining from him. Jeff bumped his shoulder.

“It’s alright” he reassured. “Todd has his moods. Did you enjoy the garden?”

Neil struggled to find his voice, feeling almost… morose. He just nodded.

Neil was dressed in a fancy shirt he had borrowed from Charlie, and one of his own old suits. It had been a gift from his parents after he had received his acceptance letter to the medical school his father had chosen for him. To his own surprise it still fitted. He had broaden out some at the shoulders, but otherwise he was still as slender as he had been when he was nineteen. He had thought he looked good when faced with his own reflection, but now stood beside Jeff, he suddenly felt underdressed, underwhelming. But both Jeff and Mrs. Anderson had reassured him he looked good so he had no other choice than to trust them.

They were sat in the living room, waiting for Todd to finish up. Mrs. Anderson nervously tapped her nails against the armrest of the sofa, while Mr. Anderson had picked up a paper, leafing through it as if he had all the time in the world. Jeff was playing on his phone and Neil took the opportunity to answer one of Charlie’s texts.

Not long after, Todd cleared his throat in the doorway. He was fiddling with the sleeves of his gray suit jacket. It hugged him in all the right places. Underneath he wore a dark shirt and he had opted to leave a button undone by the neck, leaving pale skin visible. His hair was slicked back and it made him seem sharp as he lifted his head to take in the room. Blue eyes pale and focused, yet they couldn’t seem to concentrate on any of their faces. 

“I-I lost the cu-cufflinks” he stuttered.

Mrs. Anderson sighed heavily.

“Those were a gift” she said, but then gave a sharp nod. “You look fine without them. Common let’s go, we’re going to be late!”

“Nah, mum, we’re not” Jeff drawled, then flicked his fingers against Neil’s cheek in order to get him to move. Only then did Neil realize he had been staring, his gaze fixed on Todd’s neck. He shook himself out of it and followed the Andersons out to the car.

Jeff ended up sitting in the middle seat, and Neil was eternally grateful for it. He wasn’t sure he could deal with sitting that close to Todd right now. Hadn’t he felt the same thing about Jeff in the beginning of the week? _Huh._

The restaurant was one of those fancy places he had only had the fortune to visit a handful of times in his life; graduating from Wellton, starting medical school and birthday dinner with Charlie’s family. 

“This place is like… insanely fancy” Neil whispered to Jeff who only laughed. Of course, he did. “Crazy fancy”

“Only the best for our princess Overstreet, right?” Jeff grinned.

They were ushered out into the back garden, lit by fairy lights and candles. A long table was prepared with white cloth and fine china. Neil ended up sandwiched between Jeff and Ginny Danbury, which he wasn’t too dissatisfied with since it gave him an opportunity to catch up. Apparently Ginny had continued with her acting career and come July she was supposed to play Juliet in a local performance.

“Still Shakespeare then?” Neil asked.

“Always” Ginny answered, spearing avocado slices with her fork, smile wide. “You haven’t thought about picking up acting again?”

_If I have…_ Neil thought sullenly. Instead he shook his head, plastering on a smile that was almost convincing.

“Nah, it’s not for me, I think” he said.

But in the same moment Todd was leaning over from Ginny’s other side, pointing a knife in Neil’s general direction.

“You should have seen him last night” he said.

“So karaoke is your new thing then?” Ginny laughed.

“No, no, definitely not!” Neil laughed as well. “But it was fun”

“It’s a very Knox move” Ginny said, taking a sip of her wine.

“Yeah, what did you do for Chris’ bachelorette?” Neil asked, taking another bite of the salmon he had ordered as a starter.

“We went hiking.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Chris is a very hands on person, makes up for Knox’s tendency to lose himself to dreams” Ginny said distractedly. “Anyway, the view was glorious.”

The amiable small talk continued as they were served the main course. Both Knox’s and Chris’ parents made small speeches, declaring their gratitude for the happiness their children found in each other. It was sweet, if somewhat overdone. Neil could only imagine the official speeches come the actual wedding. He dreaded it would be a drawn out affair, or as repetitive as they had been when his cousin got married.

“I’m kinda nervous on their behalf” Ginny said.

“How so?” Neil asked.

“I don’t know, I just am” Ginny laughed. “It’s a little daunting though, isn’t it? They’re barely twenty-four and getting hitched for the rest of the foreseeable future, it just seems… overwhelming”

“Isn’t that what love’s supposed to be like?” Todd said from Ginny’s other side.

“I never pegged you for a romantic”

“Overwhelming?” Neil asked.

“No, not overwhelming but- but…“ Todd struggled with the words. “Just… they seem so sure. Like they already have their lives figured out. Maybe love… is a comfort”

“It has to be more than just a comfort” Neil argued. “If love is just a comfort you could marry your teddy bear or something like that”

“I just mean that love should feel like… like coming home”

“Well, it’s good to marry someone you want to come home to” Ginny said, unknowingly diffusing some building tension only to build it right back up again. “Have you and Jeff considered getting married?”

“They haven’t even dated that long” Todd said, and Neil was probably just imagining the bitterness to his tone.

Neil laughed awkwardly. Glancing sideways at Jeff who was deep in conversation with Knox’s older sister. On the one hand he wanted to elbow Jeff in the side so he could deal with this conversation, on the other Neil was grateful he didn’t need to deal with the embarrassment of having to play along with whatever insane thing Jeff would come up with. 

“I don’t think… No, no we haven’t… eh, talked about it”

“Could you see yourself getting married to Jeff?” Ginny asked then, and Neil didn’t really need to think about, because no, he couldn’t.

“I don’t think I’m the marrying type, you know” Neil said instead.

Before dessert was served Neil took the lull in conversation as a chance to go to the toilet. When he got out of the bathroom he realized there was a missed call from Charlie and he opted to go and try calling him back. Charlie wasn’t answering. With a sigh Neil made his way back inside. On the way back to the table he saw an enormous fish tank filled with exotic fish. It felt tacky, but only proved the insanity of this fancy place. He wondered how much Knox’s and Chris’ wallets were hurting from this entire thing. However, he was a tad too fascinated, so he went closer. For a while he stood there mesmerized, watching as red and blue fish hid in green seaweed.

Then suddenly he saw a blurred face looking back at him through the water. He jerked back before recognizing Todd’s face and in the silliest move he’d ever done, Neil waved. For a moment it felt just like the Romeo + Juliet movie from the 90’s. _In that case Todd was Romeo_ , Neil thought, than flinched from his own lovesickness. Todd waved back, and maybe Neil imagined his blush.

A moment later, Todd made his way around the aquarium. The receding pinkness making its way down his throat. _And by God,_ Neil was staring again.

“Hi” Todd murmured, suddenly something shy about him. It reminded Neil of the first night, in the library, and there was something harrowing to it. Neil was desperate not to let Todd retreat back into his shell.

“How much do you think this thing costs?” Neil said, attempting for casual, but his throat felt dry and his heart was beating too rapidly.

Todd shook his head. “No clue.”

“Yeah, me neither” Neil stilled. “I- uh, I never got the chance to thank you for this morning”

“Oh, you don’t have to. It was nothing”

“Nothing? I got to spend time with you, that’s quite something”

Neil didn’t know where the words came from but he meant them, and seeing Todd’s face flush made any potential embarrassment worth it.

“You- You c-can’t…” Todd stuttered, hands curling at his side.

“I can’t what?” Neil asked, becoming rapidly intrigued.

“Y- You c-can’t say things like that” Todd said. “It’s not fair”

Neil’s heart stopped. _What did he mean?_

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing” Todd murmured and then began to pull away but Neil’s hand shot out to graze over his wrist.

“Please” he was pleading now.

Todd didn’t look him in the eyes, but he stilled, let Neil’s fingers trace down his hand before his arm fell back.

“What isn’t fair?” Neil asked gently, desperate to hear the answer.

“You” Todd said simply and then he went into a litany of apologies.

Before Todd could entangle himself too deep in his guilt, Neil had been seized by an overwhelming need to do something truly stupid… and he did. They were hidden behind the aquarium and it gave him courage. He leaned forward and softly pressed his lips to Todd’s parted ones. Todd stuttered to a halt, yet Neil pressed forward. Only when he realized Todd was unresponsive he started to retreat, an apology of his own forming in his mind.

Then Neil felt a tentative hand at the back of his neck, drawing him in. Todd’s lips kissed sweetly, the way they melted against Neil’s like they were meant to never part. Neil was going mad with the feeling. His fingers finding their way onto the length of Todd’s neck, tracing invisible patterns onto pale skin, before they traveled further into his dark blond hair. Soft strands slipping through his fingers, he tugged lightly. Todd gasped against him and Neil shamelessly took the opportunity to brush his tongue through Todd’s parted lips. And Todd, _sweet, amazing Todd,_ met him step by step. Tongue pushing back, engaging in playful battle.

Then Neil’s phone ringed, and while he intended to ignore it, Todd didn’t. He placed his hands on Neil’s chest and gently pushed him back.

“I’m sorry, N-Neil. I-I c-can’t do this.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine” Neil reassured, still holding on to him.

But Todd continued pushing Neil away. “I can’t. I can’t do this to Jeff”

And that’s when reality kicked in and Neil let go. Todd scurried away and while he wanted to, Neil didn’t follow.

Neil picked up his phone. He didn’t know whether he wanted to cry, laugh or cuss Charlie out. He answered anyway.

“Neil, my boy!” Charlie said. “How’s it going?”

“I’ve fucked up”

“What? Take that again, but loud enough for me to actually hear you this time”

“I fucked up, Charlie” Neil growled. “I fucked up!”

“Hey, man, I’m sure it’s fine” Charlie tried to soothe. 

“No, this time it’s not” Neil said, hearing Mrs. Anderson call for him, he sighed heavily. “I have to go”

He clicked Charlie away and knew his friend would give him shit for it later. But it was nothing compared to the situation he was facing now. He plastered on a convincing smile and crept out of his hiding spot. Mrs. Anderson caught him by the arm, tutting disapprovingly at him.

_Here goes…_

But instead of scolding him, she corrected his shirt lapels and escorted him back to the table.

“Dessert’s being served, it’s rude to miss it” she said, and dropped him off with Jeff, something similar to a smile grazing her face. “Jeff took the liberty to order for you”

Neil nodded and sank down into his seat, eternally grateful for Ginny by his side, immediately chattering away, distracting from Todd’s burning presence. He let her voice flow over him as he frowned at the glass of chocolate mousse, decorated with exotic fruit. Jeff noticed his contemplation, and thinking it was something wrong with the dessert, started to explain what the different fruit was. He took his own fork and stole a star shaped yellow slice, which he told Neil was a carambola. Neil couldn’t stomach eating it, so he pushed his glass closer to Jeff, who hummed gratefully.

“That’s love!” Ginny exclaimed jokingly once she noticed.

Jeff was smirking, winking at her before popping the last slice of Neil’s carambola into his mouth. Ginny laughed, leaning back, and for a moment Todd was in full view again. Neil could see him aggressively stabbing at his dessert, which only garnered Mrs. Anderson’s reprimand from across the table. 

Jeff soon turned back to Knox’s sister, and Neil was quite certain he was flirting with her. This was all big _fucking_ farce. Neil would laugh if his throat wasn’t clogging up with a sweet mixture of nausea and tears.

His phone buzzed and he fumbled to get it out of his pocket. It was a text from Charlie, and while he wasn’t keen on reading his reaction to being ignored, Neil needed distraction like a man lost. There was none of the berating.

_‘cameron has never been 2 a wedding. shame right?”_

Neil’s fingers shook as he went to answer.


	5. Don't let me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weddings never goes as one would expect, do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So deciding on a title for each chapter is harder than actually writing? Gotta get my priorities straight... Just BEATLES what can you do?
> 
> ANyway, if it's fake dating, is it fake cheating?

Neil is pretty sure Todd can’t stand the sight of him.

When they were making their way home last night, Todd had claimed being ill to get to sit in the front seat, while Mrs. Anderson, long-suffering, sat down in between Neil and Jeff. And even though Neil had sat right behind him, Todd had been worlds away. And this morning Neil had feared stepping out of the room, in case he’d run into Todd. The fear lying in the probable rejection. However he hadn’t seen a sign of him. 

He spent the following hours trailing after Jeff like a lost duckling. When Jeff migrated to his bedroom to lay out his suit, Neil simply went with him. Jeff gave him a funny look but let him sit on the end of the bed as he tried to match a tie to his shirt.

“Blue or green?”

Neil shrugged, and Jeff gave him a look.

“My ex is getting married in five hours, I need to look stunning! Mind helping a fella out?”

Neil glanced up at him, worrying his lips. His phone burning a hole through his pocket. Charlie had texted him an hour ago, saying he and Cameron we’re stopping at a gas-station. In usual Charlie fashion, he had not been joking with this wild idea of having Cameron drive him all the way up to Vermont. He lived and breathed carpe diem.

Jeff’s brows were knitting together, and Neil realized he’d missed the joke. He took a deep sigh and made an attempt at a half-truth.

“I- I…”

“I can see something’s wrong, please just tell me” Jeff asked, and sat down beside Neil. In an act that was nothing short of brotherly he put his arm around Neil’s shoulders. Jeff was a good friend.

“I talked with Charlie last night” Neil began, so far he wasn’t lying. “And he thought I was upset so he… decided to come”

“Come, as in here?”

“Yeah, he wants to go to Knox’s wedding” Neil said, and that was also true enough. Charlie had an almost peculiar interest in seeing the poor soul who landed the hopeless romantic.

“Oh, well, that’s… spontaneous?”

“That’s Charlie to you” Neil said, he tried to make it sound light-hearted but knew from the tone in Jeff’s voice he had fallen short.

“That will be interesting. You said you were upset, are you still?”

Neil didn’t answer.

“Did something happen between you and Todd?”

_He knows. They all know._

“I mean if you don’t get along with him you won’t ever have to see him after today”

Jeff shook him some and then let go. It was clear he had meant for it to ease the tension, but Neil felt heartbroken at the thought. It hadn’t even crossed his mind, but the mere idea of never getting to see Todd again almost made him want to cry.

“Hey, don’t cry on me” Jeff said, and Neil most have looked truly crestfallen. “Has he said something to you? I can talk with him if…”

Neil stopped him from rising by laying a hand on his arm. “It’s fine”

He sat picking at Jeff's bedspread, getting lost in his own thoughts. "Do you think he is still ill?"

"Wouldn't know" Jeff answered. "He left hours ago"

"Where did he go?" Neil asked, before he could stop himself. 

"You're really hung up on him are you?"

"I'm not"

"So why do you get into all these arguments with him? I mean yesterday he came back to the table looking sick to his stomach"

_Okay, that fucking hurts._

"I..." Neil began, not knowing how to continue.

"I meant what I said, I can talk to him"

"You don't have to" Neil said, clearing his throat and deciding to change the subject. "Green"

Jeff gave him a funny look, so Neil had to clarify. “Tie. I think you should go for the green one”

“Yeah?”

“Matches my bowtie”

Jeff laughed and flicked him on the nose. Yeah, he could become a really good friend.

Half an hour later Charlie called to tell them they were getting close, but Cameron needed some guidance to find the house since he neither trusted the GPS nor Charlie’s map-reading abilities. Neil handed over the phone to Jeff who guided them the last bit. When the car rolled up on the driveway, Neil was already stood at the front door.

When he saw Charlie stepping out of the car he was conflicted between intense relief and fond annoyance. He should have realized this would be a possibility.

Charlie wore a black dress in Wednesday Addams-style. It ended mid-thigh and left his legs in glorious full view. To top it off he wore insanely high heels which he mastered with an air of seldom seen confidence.

“Neil!” he shouted, making Cameron wince by his side.

Neil rushed out and threw himself into his best friend’s arms. It said something about Charlie’s expertise for being able to not only catch him, but also not toppling over. Charlie hugged him tightly.

“Hey, you alright?” he said once Neil had let go of him.

“Better”

“Was it my charms?” Charlie smirked, dark lips parting over white teeth.

Neil swatted at him and Charlie pretended to wince. There was something very comforting about it. It gave him the courage to envelope Cameron in a hug as well, and while it was stiff and awkward, Cameron did hug him back.

“You don’t know how happy I am to see you” Neil told them earnestly.

“I’d be happy to see a bed” Cameron said, stretching his arms over his head. “I’ve been driving all morning, after little sleep”

He gave Charlie a pointed look. Charlie threw him a kiss for the hell of it.

“Oh, yeah, you can borrow mine than” Neil said, and led them both up to the entrance, helping carrying Charlie’s bag. Jeff greeted them in the hallway and Charlie smacked a kiss to his cheek, simply because he could.

Cameron rolled his eyes and greeted Jeff as a normal person would. That is to say if normal involves a lot of sucking up to the ‘ _legendary valedictorian Jeffery Anderson’._

“Cameron is knackered, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about” Charlie said and patted Cameron’s arm in a manner that would have seemed fond if one was unaware of their history of mutual disregard. Cameron jerked backwards, disgusted.

“I thought he could borrow my bed” Neil told Jeff, who nodded and led Cameron up the stairs.

“How did you manage to convince him to drive you?” Neil asked once they were out of sight.

“You don’t want to know” Charlie answered.

“Did he ask you to set him up with Gloria?”

“Yes, and she will have my head”

Neil laughed. Charlie had an instant calming effect on him. Not that he suddenly felt like everything would be instantly alright, but rather that when everything went to hell, he’d still have someone standing fiercely on his side. Ready to do literally anything to defend and support him. Neil was about to thank him once more when Mrs. Anderson yelled from somewhere inside the house.

“Lenny, there’s a strange car in the driveway! Do you know anything about it?!”

She emerged from one of the closed doors and stopped short once she caught sight of Neil and Charlie still standing by the coat hangers.

“Who are you? Who is this, Neil?” she asked, sending Charlie suspicious looks.

“This is my friend…” Neil began, sending a quick look to Charlie, seeing his dress, the dark wig with log curling locks past his shoulders and the on-point make-up. “Nuwanda”

“Oh. Nuwanda, that’s unusual” Mrs. Anderson said, looking Charlie over. “She’s a little… sturdy”

Charlie rolled his eyes, used with hearing worse. 

“Yeah, Nuwanda is also going to Knox’s wedding” Neil said. “Right?”

“Right as rain” said Charlie.

“Funny I haven’t seen you before than” Mrs. Anderson said.

“I’ve been busy, very busy”

Mr. Anderson who’d been called out by his wife’s shouting, poked his head out of the living room entrance.

“Did you want something, love?” he asked.

“We have visitors” Mrs. Anderson said, in the same tone of voice as one would use to declare they had mold in the bathroom.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, this is Nuwanda” Neil said. “Nuwanda, this is Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.”

“Nice to meet you” Charlie said, smirking widely, winking at Mr. Anderson.

Mrs. Anderson positively choked at the gesture, making Charlie’s smirk all that much wider.

“We went to high school together with Knox” Neil continued explaining, ignoring Charlie.

“But didn’t you go to an all boys’ school?” Mr. Anderson asked, but the words were swallowed up by Mrs. Anderson.

“You’re not going to the wedding in that, right?” she said, pointing at Charlie’s dress.

“Nah” Charlie said and then proceeded to dig through his bag until he had drawn out a red dress with sequins and a slit up one leg. It was one of Charlie’s more raucous show-pieces and Neil had only seen him wear it once but knew it would be quite outrageous. Knox and Chris might have a laugh about it but every person in their parent-generation would throw a fit. As Mrs. Anderson did now. She looked properly scandalized, but since façade was so damn important to them, she tried to be diplomatic.

“That’s red” she began.

“That it is” Charlie nodded eagerly, way too proud of himself.

“You… cannot go to a wedding in red, Nuwanda” Mrs. Anderson said, politely if somewhat having a hard time hiding her indignation. When Charlie only shrugged she seemed even more exasperated. “Going to a wedding wearing red is like saying you’ve had an affair with the groom”

Charlie who had grown up in fine society knew every single little rule of social etiquette, Neil was sure.

“Maybe I have” Charlie said, glancing sideway at Neil.

Neil wanted to hit him, if only to get him to shut up for a moment. But it wouldn’t be gentlemanly of him to hit a _lady._

“How about you… borrow one of my dresses. They’re a little more… traditional” Mrs. Anderson said, and Neil wasn’t aware that he could, but Charlie smirked even wider.

Charlie was ushered away by Mrs. Anderson and Neil shook his head, sharing a look with Mr. Anderson before heading up to find Jeff in his room.

“You’re mum is insane” Neil said.

“Huh? Why?” Jeff said, poking his head out of the connecting bathroom.

“She can’t stand people not doing things her way, right?”

“Sounds like mum”

“I pity whoever’s gonna marry you one day” Neil said, sitting down on the edge of Jeff’s bed.

“God, I pity her too” Jeff laughed. “Hey, are you not gonna get changed?”

“I guess, but I don’t wanna disturb Cameron. He can be a right asshole when he’s tired”

“I thought he seemed nice enough”

“That’s because he has man-crush on you”

“What can I say? I’m irresistible” Jeff said, and then began humming. 

_Maybe he used to be,_ Neil thought. 

Cameron wasn’t all too happy to be woken up but when he glanced at the clock, he started panicking that no one had woken him sooner. He seemed to be the only one in this house who actually cared about being on time to this wedding. He fished out his clothes and, after Neil had directed him to the bathroom, went to change.

Neil was left alone. He went over to the wardrobe wherein he had stored the nicest suit he owned. Right now he can’t remember exactly why he had bought it, but he had bought it for his own money, and somehow it made it a big deal. Not like buying your first car or your first apartment, of course, but there was something to the knowledge that this piece of clothing had nothing to do with his father. It wasn’t an act of rebellion exactly, but it almost felt like one. Only goes to show how little he actually knows about revolting against his parents. Maybe it was the relief of not having to feel guilt, like he owed them something. _We have fed you, we have clothed you, you stay under our roof, pleasing us is the least you can do._

He got dressed. It was a soft, light gray suit which he had never actually worn before but, allowing himself to be vain, he realized he should have done so earlier. He looked, in his own humble opinion, great. It allowed him to put on a different persona, if only for this very short moment. Here he could be a charmer, not a pleaser. There was a power-balance to it, which Charlie had probably figured out years ago, and Neil was barely scratching the surface of.

_To not have to please his father_ , that was a thought.

When he was satisfied with the look of his hair he went back out of the room. He almost walked straight into the bathroom door that Cameron had just thrown open in front of him.

“Oh, sorry Neil, didn’t see you there” he said.

Cameron’s suit was dark and very traditional, it was neither spectacular nor particularly bad looking. It was flat somehow, and fitted his character perfectly.

“I wonder what Charlie will wear” Cameron said and there was a look to his face that spoke less of curiosity and more of fear.

“So do I” said Neil.

Soon enough they were sat in the living room sofa. Neil, Cameron and Jeff on a straight row. Mr. Anderson was, once again sat in what apparently was his favorite armchair, reading. Mrs. Anderson had forced them to bear witness to Charlie’s rather miserable cat-walk, wearing bland dress after bland dress. None went shorter than to his knees, nor deeper than his collarbone. He looked uncomfortable the entire time, while Mrs. Anderson openly complained about his broad set of shoulders and lack of waist. Charlie sent Neil these little looks, which were probably meant to be interpreted as: _‘I hate you, you owe me so much for this, I will strangle her watch me’_

Eventually Mrs. Anderson wore a tight smile, which was better than her frown, and presented Charlie for the last time. Now he was dressed in a pale pink dress that reminded Neil of something Jackie Kennedy might have worn, had she been forced to go through a stranger’s wardrobe of dresses, against her will.

Mrs. Anderson had Charlie twirling and Neil smiled and made thumbs up at him. Charlie just looked like he was considering whether the consequences would be worth murder. Both Mr. Anderson and Jeff gave him appraising looks, while Cameron couldn’t care less.

“I feel like Audrey Hepburn in _My fair lady”_ Charlie said after a while, he had forced his voice into a higher pitch, which only made the whole ordeal even more daunting.

“Hush now, you look nice” said Mrs. Anderson. “I’m sure Richard thinks you look lovely”

She gave Cameron a pointed look and he forced himself to nod, because yeah, somehow she had gotten it into her head that Charlie and Cameron was engaged. When she had first insinuated it, Charlie had dragged Neil aside for a ‘quick chat’.

“Neil I love you, you’re my best friend and everything, but if I have to pretend to be head-over-heels for Cameron, I’m gonna kill you. No, worse, I’m gonna enroll you in an acting school and then tell Mr. Perry about it”

Neil hadn’t thought that was very funny at all, but in order to appease Charlie he had agreed to do drag with him. Charlie had been happy as anything after that, until now, when Mrs. Anderson brought the thing up again.

“Don’t you think Nuwanda looks lovely?” she said, still looking intently at Cameron, who had never been more uncomfortable in his entire life.

“Looks modest” he said after a while, and Charlie gave him a withering look.

Mrs. Anderson clearly wasn’t pleased with the answer, but she had managed to make even Mr. Anderson uncomfortable, so he took it upon himself to distract her by pointing out the time.

In the car, Charlie pinched Neil so hard that he was sure he would get a bruise.

The church was decorated with an insane amount of white lilies, the smell over-bearing. Neil was sat squeezed between Jeff and Mr. Anderson. While Mrs. Anderson had taken a shine to Cameron, she openly disliked Charlie and had them sit further back. Neil really wanted to be able to hold Charlie’s metaphorical hand right now, because he was growing more and more uncomfortable by the minute. Not only was it unbearably stuffy, he felt sweat beading down his back, but where he sat he had perfect view over Knox and his best men. Neil’s eyes drifted past both Meeks and Pitts to settle on Todd. Drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. 

Todd looked gorgeous. He was dressed in blue, well, they all were, but on him it looked… different. As if there was a deeper meaning to the cornflower hue of his jacket. Neil was staring, but he couldn’t look away. He watched enraptured as Gerard bent forward to tell him something, and Todd nodded, answering something, before his gaze drifted into the audience. He didn’t look very nervous, a little twitchy perhaps, but not too bad. But then, of course it would be nothing compared to the groom himself. Knox looked skittish and almost brittle, as if he would fall apart any second. Whatever Meeks tried to reassure him with didn’t seem to work. Neil felt for him.

He raised his gaze from Knox only to look away when he caught Todd looking back at him. Or maybe that was wish-thinking. Maybe Todd was just looking for some support in his family. Of course he was. Neil felt silly. His own insignificance crept upon him. It was a feeling he hated, that he had always hated. A feeling that was so entangled with expectations he could never meet. He struggled to breathe. He needed to get out of there.

“I need to go” Neil said, pushing slightly at Jeff who looked startled up at him.

“But they’re…” Jeff started, but Neil didn’t let him finish.

“You see Chris anywhere? No wedding starts without the bride. I need to get out”

And Jeff, to his credit, moved out of the way without further questions. Neil trailed out on the outer side of the rows. He passed Charlie’s, who gave him a concerned look, but as he shook his head, Charlie let him go.

Neil sneaked out of the church and was just heading off to sit on the grass or something when he saw the limo parked outside. He thought he saw Chris through the window and went closer. Sure enough, there she was, the bride everyone was waiting for. She was alone, which surprised Neil considering how deeply troubled she looked. It didn’t sit well with him, so he went up to the limo and knocked on the glass.

Chris startled and looked up. When she saw him, she cranked the window down, discreetly stroking her fingers over her cheeks.

“Hey” she said, and her tone was flat in a way that didn’t suit the occasion.

“How are you?”

“I’m- I’m…” she began, but when she couldn’t find the words, she started to cry again.

“Hey, hey” Neil tried to soothe. “It’s gonna be alright.”

“I just… I don’t know. It’s not… I just don’t know what to feel”

“That’s okay” Neil said.

She looked up at him, all dolled up, blonde hair in an intricate up-do, her blue eyes glossy with tears. She looked desperate for some hope. Neil didn’t know if he could help her, but he could listen. He told her as much.

“It’s just… Everyone says this is supposed to be the best day of my life but it feels… too much. I wanted something simpler, but both Knox and my mother wanted this big, romantic thing and I don’t know…”

“It feels like you’re not doing it for yourself anymore” Neil said, voice soft, far too familiar with the feeling.

Chris blinked slowly, then: “Exactly. That’s exactly what it feels like… And god, I know it sounds horrible but…”

“It’s not” Neil was quick to say, because it had to be okay to think about your own needs and wants once in a while.

“I don’t know if I can face all those people right now”

Neil nodded, then he remembered Knox’s worried face and he dreaded that Chris maybe didn’t want this as much as Knox.

“But you love him, right?” Neil asked.

“Of course” she said. “Of course I love him.”

“Enough to want to marry him?”

“God yes” she said, and a small smile graced her features.

“Than that’s enough” Neil said. “Don’t think about all those people, think about him. I don’t know, imagine the two of you in your sixties at a beach somewhere, just being happy together.”

Chris laughed, and seeing her like this Neil understood why Knox loved her so much. She was a wonder all her own.

“Thank you, Neil” she said softly. “I needed that”

Neil nodded and stepped out of the way as her parents came looking for her. Holding her and encouraging her, ceaseless in their support.

The union was beautiful. Knox cried, a lot, so much in fact that Chris had to hide his face behind her bouquet for a while. Even so, they looked stunning together and so happy that one could be envious. Except no one was. They truly deserved their happiness.

The reception was nice, the food good but the party even better. After the first dance, which probably wasn’t the weirdest in history but unique enough (they had chosen to dance to a Marvin Gaye song) the party really got going. Just like in the movies from which Knox and Chris had probably drawn their inspiration, there was a large party tent in which there was a stage, a cover band and a lot of awkward dancing going on. Neil and Charlie was doing their best to contribute to said awkwardness by clearing a large space around them like they usually did when they got going. Cameron was stood to the side, looking embarrassed.

Pitts and Meeks soon joined them on the dance floor and they created a sort of ring, which Ginny and another bridesmaid was soon dragged into the middle of. It felt good, letting themselves go like that. Charlie embodied it the best by shouting _“Carpe that diem!”_ and taking ahold of Meeks hand and twirling him around.

Soon enough they were all chanting it. _Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem!_ They became so loud that Knox and Chris joined out of curiousness. With them they dragged Todd, who followed like a petulant child. Ginny immediately hooked her arm through his as to not let him run away. She twirled them around and he went reluctantly, but soon enough he was smiling and laughing as much as the rest of them. Neil was transfixed by the sight of him, and distracted he took a miscalculated step that landed hard on Charlie’s heel-clad feet.

Charlie yelped and staggered to the side into Meeks and Pitts who both helped steady him.

“Goddammit Neil” he squeaked and with help from Meeks limped over to an empty chair by a deserted table. They all went after him and Neil sank down on a knee in front of him.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t see where I was stepping”

“No shit” Charlie cursed.

“I really didn’t mean it”

“I know, I know. Calm down”

Charlie patted him affectionately on the shoulder. 

“Do you need ice or something?” Chris asked.

“Nah, it’s fine”

Neil, who was actually studying medicine, took off Charlie’s heels to get a closer look at the damage. It was red and swelling.

“Actually” he said. “I think ice would be good”

“I’ll get it” Todd said, scurrying off.

Neil began massaging the swelling foot, feeling guilty and useless. Charlie laughed at his despondent look.

“Hey, Prince Charming, it’s just a foot, I can live without if I have to”

“You’re not going to lose it” Neil said a little to harshly.

“You’re probably right, since I’m quite attached to it”

_He can massage his own damn foot,_ Neil thought and stood back up, swatting at Charlie’s head. Which of course only made him laugh.

“Quite the knight there, Neil” Ginny said, amused.

“Doctor in shiny coat” Knox joked as Chris groaned at his side.

“It’s gonna be terrible” Charlie said, solemnly. “No patient would ever get better since they wouldn’t want to leave him”

“I know what you mean” Ginny said, and Neil… really didn’t.

“No, tell me you didn’t have crush on him too?” Charlie said engrossed, leaning forward with sparkling eyes.

“Too?” Neil questioned but his words were drowned out.

“Yeah, in high school” Ginny laughed. “When we did the play, god I was so gone on him”

“Yeah, right! He was so goddamn happy about his acting” Charlie said. “Made him glow”

“Oh, I remember that” Meeks said, suddenly, a little sheepish.

“What, did all of you have a crush on Neil in high school?” Chris asked, turning to look at the lot of them, wide grin parting her lips.

Neil was fiercely shaking his head, but once again he was ignored.

“Those brown eyes were to die for” Pitts grinned, faking swooning and Neil was pretty sure he meant it as a joke.

“How about you, Knoxious?” Charlie asked, grinning wide.

“Yeah, Knox?” Chris asked, sweetly, laughing when her husband got flustered.

“Can we not talk about Neil’s attractiveness during our wedding? Can’t I be the most fawned over man for just one day of my life?” Knox asked, fake indignant.

They started laughing, which soon enough drew Cameron’s attention and he came creeping up to them, leaving behind a rather relieved waitress, now free to return to her work. 

“What have you done now?” he asked Charlie who in true Charlie-fashion poked his tongue out at him.

Not long after Todd came jogging towards them, a cloth of some sort in his hands.

“It took some convincing” he said, handing over a towel filled with ice-cubes to Charlie.

“Did you get that from the bar?” Pitts asked.

“Yeah, so if you want cold drinks you might want to reconsider” he said. 

And fine, Neil hadn’t been conversing with him all that many times, but he was still surprised at his dry humor. Charlie poked him in the side, grinning widely up at him, as if to say _‘You’re staring again’._ So what if he was, Todd was quite something to look at, with the way his hair was slightly tousled from his short run and his eyes filled with concern.

“Hey, Todd” Ginny began, flicking him the shoulder to get his attention. “We were just talking about Neil’s crush-ability. Would you have dated him in high school?”

Neil choked on air, staring unbelievably at Ginny, whose smile seemed too pointed, too careful. Todd’s reaction was similar. He stared, than slowly his façade inched its way over his face and he hid behind a cold, ugly mask. Neil wanted to tear it away.

“I didn’t know him then, did I?” he said, voice stony. Then like nothing he turned to Charlie. “Did it help? The ice?”

Charlie, a little whiplashed, nodded. “Yeah, did wonders”

It got a bit awkward after that. Everyone sort of just looked into different directions. It gave Neil the curious feeling that somehow everyone knew more than they let on. Maybe even more than he knew. He was becoming paranoid.

Then Pitts, who was a head taller than the rest, pointed to the dance floor.

“Is that Jeff kissing your sister, Knox?”

Neil had never turned around so fast in his life. And true enough, there was Jeff, his hands on either side of Knox’s sister’s face, making out like the world was ending.

“That son of a…” Chris breathed, in a show of anger Neil wouldn’t have attributed to her.

Neil stared. For a moment that was all he could think to do. Conflicting emotions rising in the pit of his stomach, anger and confusion being the strongest contestants. Someone nudged him in the side and he looked over to Cameron of all people, who simply nodded to the rest of them. Everyone awaited his reaction in tense silence. Pitts looked apologetic, as if he wished he hadn’t brought it up, while Knox looked crestfallen, eyes darting heavenward. Probably lamenting the loss of a drama free wedding day.

Neil’s gaze drifted on until he caught a glimpse of Todd’s now open face. It broadcasted a complicated mess of emotions, his lip a tight line and eyes fixated on his brother.

The sight of him, of his clenched jaw made the pieces fall in place and Neil’s anger flared up for real. It was all consuming and before he knew it he had made his way through the crowd.

“What the hell?” he said, once he’d reached them.

Jeff jumped almost a feet away from Knox’s sister. They both looked so guilty it was a freaking eye-sore. If this whole dating thing had been real, he would probably have been screaming by now, but the lack of agency in this situation made him uncertain of what he should do next. People were already staring and Neil really didn’t want to make a scene. He looked to Knox’s sister, her face panic stricken, and then back to Jeff who had yet to do or say anything. When he didn’t make any move to explain himself, Neil made his way back over to his friends. Embarrassment creeping in through the cracks in his anger.

“Cameron, get the car, we’re leaving” he said.

Cameron asked no questions, simply nodded and scampered off and Neil was more than grateful for it. Charlie rose back to his feet slowly and undignified, looking a little like a heavily pregnant woman, and in any other situation Neil would most likely have laughed his lungs out at the sight of him. 

“Neil, I’m so sorry” said Knox, already reaching out to maybe hug him, but Neil didn’t let him, swiftly moving out of the way. He wouldn’t let anyone touch him. Didn’t look anyone of them in the eyes, especially not Todd. Even thinking of Todd made him feel like hypocrite. 

“Neil!” Jeff shouted, having come after him, and like a current had simultaneously went through them, Knox, Meeks and Pitts formed a human wall. “Common guys, let me talk to him”

But they didn’t relent, and Neil, angry enough he was afraid he was going to say something truly hurtful, took the opportunity to get out. He helped Charlie limp along, out of the tent, over the grass and out on the parking lot, where Cameron had already got the car going.

“I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid” Neil cursed himself.

“No, don’t say shit like that! This is definitely on Jeff”

“I still have all my stuff at the Andersons’” Neil sighed heavily and helped Charlie climb into the front seat. Just as he got settled a voice rang over the parking lot. 

“Neil! Neil Perry!”

How many times had he dreamed of Jeff chasing after him? He remember the thought as an echo from what felt like years ago. So much had changed in such a short time. It felt as if someone had drastically changed the shape of his entire world. Like the butterfly, with one stroke of its wings changing the following events in such a way that nothing was predictable anymore. When had it even happened?

He turned to look at Jeff and realized with startling clarity that it was the wrong Anderson. 

“Neil, please, can we talk?” Jeff said, and sure this felt a little like a movie, one Neil wanted no part of.

“Fine” he sighed, because he could be mature about it.

With one last look at Charlie’s drawn face, he stepped away from the car and met Jeff halfway. When he got closer he saw red trailing down from his nose, soon realizing it was blood. He couldn’t help himself but to ask what had happened, trying to control the rising pity he felt for him.

“The little fucker punched me” Jeff answered growling, and Neil didn’t get a chance to ask who he was talking about as Jeff was already spewing a stream of apologies at him. Something Neil realized he had never heard him do before. Not really.

“What was the point?” Neil said just to get him to stop, anger starting out cold.

“Neil…”

But Neil didn’t let him finish.

“What was even the point of me being here if you’re gonna go and make out with a _girl_ in front of everybody?!”

Neil didn’t realize he was yelling until he was. Sure, it wasn’t his finest moment, but he felt so fucking wronged. This trip been more stressful than he had imagined it would be, existing on a constant rollercoaster of emotions, coming to terms with a lot of lost love. Perhaps it was irrational to be this angry, but… Jeff got to kiss Knox’s sister in front of a sea of people but Neil had to give Todd up? It wasn’t fucking fair!

Jeff raised his hands in a mollifying manner. “I’m sorry, Neil, but I don’t understand why you’re so upset”

“Because I feel like a fucking idiot!”

“Why would you…?”

“You never wondered why I was so willing to agree to this shitshow?” Neil asked, and only received a blank stare in return. “I was in love with you. Or at the very least I thought I was. But then- then I met Todd and he is… But god, I fucked that up as well!”

“Wait, what are you saying? You have a thing for my brother? But he and Ginny…”

“You’re so oblivious it’s almost amusing” Neil sighed, raking a hand through his hair. Maybe he was being unfair to Jeff as well. “I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you, but I really think it’s time for me to get back home.”

“I’m sorry too” Jeff said, after a moment, sounding more genuine. They hadn’t solved anything but at least they weren’t screaming at each other anymore.

Jeff went searching through his pockets and then held out a key to Neil. “To get your stuff. You can leave the key in the potted plant by the door or something”

Neil nodded and turned away. He sat down in the back seat, closed his eyes and rested his head against the window. Feeling tired and resigned. In the front seat Cameron and Charlie were hurling insults but for once not at each other.

“That asshole” said Cameron almost sounding supportive.

Charlie’s string of curses were loud but made little sense, Neil decided to tune them out. In hindsight it wasn’t Jeff’s fault so much as his own. He could have just told him, been upfront, but he hadn’t. It was his own damn incapability to tell anyone how he felt that had ruined it once again. Not only had he lost the shot at something great with Todd, but he might have lost a good friend in Jeff over it as well. He was starting to feel sick and curled up in his seat as best as he could.

In the front, Charlie and Cameron had started arguing. His stomach rose and fell like waves on the sea, and he himself was that blasted, tiny fishing boat going down in the currents. Distantly he heard Charlie’s voice asking him something, than a hand landed on his knee.

“Neil, are you okay?”

Neil didn’t answer but involuntary he had started making small retching sounds.

“Cameron, pull over!” Charlie ordered.

“I can’t just… you see anywhere to…”

“Stop the goddamn car!”

“We can’t just stop in the middle of the road!”

“Neil is gonna puke in your backseat”

The car jerked to a stop, and Neil threw himself out. Charlie soon following after. It must have been an amusing sight, with Neil in his finest suit, jacket flowing behind him like a cape, hurling himself across the fairly deserted road, and Charlie, in a president wife’s dress, wig nowhere to be seen, limping barefoot after him. Neil skidded down a ditch and bent over emptying his stomach. When Charlie reached him, he carded his fingers gently through the hair at Neil’s nape and then made soothing motions down his back. 

“This is a fucking mess” Charlie said eventually, when Neil had calmed down again. “If this had been a movie, this is the point where someone would have urged you to turn back around and put everything right”

“Yeah, you’re not gonna do that, are you?” Neil said, squinting up at him.

“Probably should” he said, looking up at the sky. “But you know how Cameron gets when he realizes we’ve been wasting gas”

“You know, sometimes I’m really grateful for Cameron” Neil said, grinning and Charlie punched him in the shoulder before helping him back to the car.

Neil helped himself into the house. Gathering up their stuff was easy enough and the three of them took the opportunity to get changed into something more comfortable. When he was done, Neil stood hovering by the bedside table. On it he had left _Leaves of grass._ He looked at the thin book now, waging between wanting to keep it and the politeness in returning it. Then Charlie’s voice told him to hurry up and he snatched it with him. He stopped outside Todd’s door, conflicted once more. Then he flicked through the book till he came upon one of the shorter poems. Asking forgiveness of the ghost of all librarians past he ripped out the page and slid it under Todd’s door.

_Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak_  
to me, why should you not speak to me?  
And why should I not speak to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little bit of a mess... but I hope you bear with me


	6. Can't help myself (I love you and nobody else)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* Finally! I've learned my lessons folks, never publish a fic until you have the ending figured out! This was harder to write than it should. 
> 
> I just want to thank everyone who's been reading this and leaving kudos and comments, I love the lot of you!  
> You've helped feeding my ego and god knows that thing has been starvefed.

Friday he found himself in a state of self-pity.

To Cameron’s big annoyance and Charlie’s great delight Neil had spent the last three days on their couch, lamenting in his own misery. Sometimes he had an audience in Charlie’s sympathetic support and Cameron’s ticking left eye, but for the most part they left him be.

Jeff had tried to contact him, but Neil had promptly ignored him. 

Then on his third night his mother called wondering how he was doing. He hadn’t talked to her in ages, mostly due to mutual indifference. She had always been the meek sort, caring in her own way, but he had never really been able to speak freely with her, so once more he found himself feeding her another generic lie. He talked about exam stress and apparently it pleased her since it made him seem invested in his studies, something she was sure to report to his father. Before they said goodbye his mother told him that he always could call her if there was anything he needed, the fact she hadn’t even heard the distress in his voice told him otherwise. He hung up with a great sigh, feeling kicked back into reality and before he knew it, life had moved on. He moved back to his own dorm room where he was met with dust and a forgotten essay. 

Almost a week later, as he sat immersed in his medical studies, bored out of his mind, the phone rang once more. While he didn’t recognize the number he decided to answer. Any distraction was welcome before he lost his goddamn mind trying to memorize different pharmaceuticals and their uses.

“Hello?” he said, intelligent enough.

“Oh, hi, it’s Chris. Chris Overstreet”

“Eh, hi.” Neil said, feeling a little awkward but found himself smiling soon enough. “How’s married life treating you?”

“Just fine. I’m sorry we didn’t call earlier, things have been a little hectic here. How are you holding up?”

Neil had definitely not expected them to call, assuming they would move on with their lives. For Christ sake they probably were on their honeymoon now. If anything Neil felt a little guilty for taking up their time, even if he hadn’t been the one to call.

“I’m fine” he said earnestly enough. “All things considered.”

“That’s good” Chris said cheerfully. “Me and Knox were really worried. Say hi Knox!”

“Hi Knox” said Knox’s unmistakable voice and Neil laughed a little when he heard Chris groan.

“Hear what I have to put up with?” she sighed. “I just wanted to say that it was a really shitty thing Jeff put you through”

Neil was quite certain he didn’t deserve that level of sympathy but he was grateful for it none the less. Grateful that they had bothered making sure he was alright. He was about to say something along that line when he was interrupted by Knox’s overly enthusiastic voice.

“You should have seen what happened after you left! God it was glorious! Todd punched him straight in the face.”

Neil’s breath hitched, but Knox took no notice, continuing his ramblings as if Neil’s insides wasn’t set on fire. _How do you cure this, Mr. Future-doctor?_

“Okay, so you had left, right? But before Jeff could run after you Todd just sorta stepped in his way. Furious as anything! I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that. Then he gave an entire speech about how incredible you are and how little Jeff deserved you and when Jeff mouthed back he straight out decked him.”

_What the hell?_

Then Neil remembered the blood trailing down from Jeff’s nose. _‘The little fucker’_ he had said and Neil had thought he had maybe meant Knox or even Chris. Not Todd. Quiet, shy Todd had hit his own brother, for what? For Neil? He couldn’t bear thinking the thought, his heart beating against his ribs, desperately trying to make its way out of its bony cage.

“It was almost romantic” Knox said, voice sounding far off and dreamy.

And how on earth had Knox expected him to reply to that? Neil might be lost for words, but fortunately Chris wasn’t.

“Violence is not romantic, Knox”

“Fine, fine, you’re right” Knox amended. “But it still felt so fucking good to see him do it. Like Todd has been sucking up to his family his entire life and now he was… passionate about something and really stood up for himself. I mean not like he hasn’t done it before but, but this was…”

“Still romanticizing it” warned Chris.

Their bickering went on while Neil couldn't _breathe._

“What? The man needs to hear it!” Knox said, an annoyed lilt to his voice. “The thing is, and I understand if this is not what you want to hear right now, but I’ve never heard Todd talk about someone the way he talked about you.”

“He’s just broken up with his boyfriend, I definitely don’t think this is something he wants to hear right now” said Chris.

Neil should tell them, shouldn’t he? Except he had no clue how to do it and anyway he still felt a little petty. This was Jeff’s lie, and while he wasn’t too keen on keeping it for him, neither did he want to take responsibility for it.

“I’m sorry about Knox” Chris apologized, having turned off the speaker. “He doesn’t understand relationships”

“It’s fine, just fine” Neil choked on the words, and Chris hummed in acknowledgement.

“By the way, are you going to Ginny’s play? I know it’s a couple of weeks still, but I think she would be happy to see you”

“I don’t know. She mentioned it but…”

“You must come!” Chris insisted. “I’ll send you the information!”

Neil made a noise of affirmation and then went on to ask them about their honeymoon. They talked for a while longer during which Chris told him about the weirdness of her husband. Neil laughed when he found it appropriate.

“Thank you” Chris said when they were about to hangout.

“For what?” Neil asked, genuinely confused.

“For understanding”

The rest of the month passed in a weird sort of haze. He finished his course work and spend less time indoors. The only thing that really stood out was the drag-thing he had promised Charlie. It was a long time coming anyway. Neil had however refused to go up on a stage, afraid to make a fool of himself when inevitably he would fall on his ass because of high heels or tripping on a dress hem or something like that. Charlie had muttered a little but agreed that they wouldn’t have to leave the apartment.

Neil sat on Charlie’s bed while Charlie threw dresses in all shapes and colors at him. He sorted through them with some detached admiration. He tried a few on but since he was much taller than Charlie the shorter ones felt a little tacky on him. In the end he settled on a dark green dress that reached down to his ankles and didn’t hug his waist too tightly. When he was dressed, Charlie dragged him over to the bathroom where he proceeded to do his make-up. Choosing soft hues of green and peach that complemented his eyes, at least that’s what Charlie said. It was a hassle to sit still when it felt as if Charlie intended to poke his eyes out as he applied the mascara and eyeliner.

“For fucks sake, Neil! Your eyelashes are fighting back, control them dammit!”

“I can’t help it” Neil said miserably, trying to keep his eyes as wide open as he possibly could.

“Bastards”

Then Cameron poked his head through the door. “What are the two of you _doing_?”

“Get out!” Charlie hissed, holding a mascara brush like dagger in front of himself. “Or I’ll do your make-up next!”

Cameron fled faster than Neil had ever seen him move. Or would have seen hadn’t Charlie just then ordered him to shut his eyes again. After yet some more wrestling with Neil’s reflexes, Charlie declared himself satisfied and proceeded to pin a dark brown wig to his head. When he was done he brought Neil over to the mirror. The result was stunning! Neil didn’t recognize himself at first. It seemed Charlie had sculpted his face into something ethereal, while the dark locks framed his face making him feel like a renaissance painting.

“Here, the last piece!” Charlie said and placed a crown of twigs with small red berries on the top of his head. “Now you look like Artemis, the goddess of hunting”

Neil blushed. Hands trailing down his own hips feeling the soft satin of the dress. Charlie had him twirl around and soon enough Neil found himself laughing.

“See why I do it?” Charlie asked, smirk forming on his lips.

“Yeah, this actually pretty cool”

“You look gorgeous darliiing” Charlie drawled.

Charlie left him to admire his own reflection for a while longer. Then he was called into the living room for an impromptu but unavoidable photoshoot. Neil was placed in the middle of the room and told to strike some poses, as Charlie channeled his inner photographer.

“I feel awkward” Neil said after a while.

“That’s because you can’t pose for shit” Charlie sighed, lowering his camera.

He went over to Neil and started pulling and rearranging his body until Neil held his arms folded over his chest, hands brushing the straps of the dress. Charlie then proceeded to lift his head with a hand under his chin until Neil stood looking slightly upwards and to the side. 

Charlie took the photos.

When he was done, Neil shook himself loose and then bounded over, excited to see the result. It was startling. He looked almost godlike, like a modern religious fresco. It seemed like there was something immortal to him, as if maybe he could be eternally young.

“These are…” Neil began but didn’t know how to finish without sounding conceited.

“Fucking amazing, is what they are. Why haven’t you played model for me earlier?”

Neil shrugged his shoulders.

With Neil’s consent Charlie uploaded the pictures to his Instagram. While Neil waited for Charlie to prepare dinner, he went through his stream when the photos appeared. Out of curiosity he scanned trough the people liking the pictures. One of the first name to pop up seemed intriguingly familiar. @t.anderson. Todd had liked his pictures. _Todd had liked his pictures!_

He clicked onto his page, but of course it was locked. _But hey, wait Charlie was friends with him? What-_

“You’re friends with Todd”

“Try to be less cryptic, would you?” Charlie said from the kitchen.

“You follow Todd on Instagram?”

“Oh, yes, yes I do” Charlie said, and even though Neil couldn’t see him from where he was seated, he knew the bastard was smirking.

“But you can’t!”

“Course I can, no big deal! I asked to follow him, he accepted and returned the favor, the world has yet to collapse.” Charlie poked his head out of the kitchen. “I saw he liked the pictures of you though, is that what this is about?”

Charlie waved vaguely around in his direction with a sauce-spoon, and Neil wanted to crawl in on himself and hide somewhere. Unfortunately Cameron had moved his blanket back to his own room.

“…maybe” Neil murmured after a while.

“We’re not mutually exclusive, me and Todd, you could ask to follow him too”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Could you maybe butt out?”

“Let me think about it? No, no I really can’t” Charlie said. “Maybe you should try to contact him? I’ve never seen you this hung up on anyone”

“I’m not hung up on Todd”

“Hell you are! You’re moping around like crazy. Today is the first time in three weeks that I’ve seen you laugh properly”

“I’ve been stressed because of my studies!” Neil defended himself.

“Sure you have.” Charlie muttered and retracted to the kitchen.

Neil had bought a ticket to Ginny’s play and was now stood in the foyer of the small theatre in his best casual wear waiting for the audience to be allowed to find their seats. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a spike of longing at being this close to a theatre stage. It was something he had avoided for the longest time, since it only brought on a well of disappointment. But there had been this light to Ginny’s eyes when she talked about her acting, and Chris had been rather insistent, so here he was. He took a moment to breathe the atmosphere in, feeling it build up inside him. It made him a little antsy. There was something inevitable hanging in the air. 

A hand fell on his shoulder and he turned around only to have a handful of Chris in his arms. All he could see was her blonde hair, disobedient strands breaking loose from her up-do and brushing against his nose.

“You came!” she cried excitedly. “I told you he would!”

“Yeah, yeah” Knox said, pretending to sound disinterested but there was a gleefulness to his eyes that didn’t bode well. “Nice to see you Neil!”

“Todd, look who’s here!” Chris said, once she let go of Neil.

And there he was, poking his head out from behind Knox, dressed to the nines, hair nicely styled and eyes impossibly blue. He looked _good,_ and Neil was suddenly week at the knees. Maybe Chris thought he was going to bolt, because she soon looped her arm through his. Before he got the chance to say anything they opened the doors and Chris led him to their seats. Knox and Todd trailing dutifully behind them.

He and Todd ended up on different ends of Chris and Knox. The happy newlyweds sitting between them, holding hands and whispering sweetly. It would make Neil nauseous hadn’t he been so nervous already, and if he dared admit it to himself, slightly jealous.

The play began and Neil patiently waited through Romeo lamenting about his lost love, Rosaline, but then an idea stroke him and he leaned over to Chris. He had to put this right, screw his pride. 

“Chris, switch seat with me”

Chris gave him a confused look so Neil asked her again, whispering slightly louder. “Please”

She glanced at him, her eyes penetrating. He must have looked desperate, considering how quickly she relented. Neil sent a prayer to his lucky star, thanking Chris with a wide smile as they began an awkward shuffle to switch places. Then Neil was sat between Chris and Knox, a slight madness to the grin taking over his face.

“What the hell?” Knox intoned when his hand closed around Neil’s instead of his wife’s.

“Switch?” Neil asked.

“Obviously”

Even more awkward shuffling ensued, but then Neil was sat next to Todd. His heart was beating like crazy, hands getting clammy. He needed to do this right, already weighing his words while totally winging it. _What the hell Neil, get yourself together_

Todd glanced sideways at him, looking surprised but trying to be casual about it. Then Ginny took to the stage and Neil was promptly ignored. Neil’s eyes were drawn to her as swiftly as Todd’s had. She was good. She was _really good._ She gave some spirit to Juliet, flashed her out, made her more than a love-sick teenage girl. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but she made her Juliet into a little more than the perceived notion of her. It was captivating, but Neil’s heat beat for the wrong reasons. He wouldn’t be able to focus on the play until he had told Todd the truth. He swallowed down his nerves and leaned closer.

“I need to talk to you”

“Later” Todd whispered, brushing him off.

“No, now” Neil insisted, then took a deep breath. “I’m sorry”

Todd glanced at him. “It’s fine”

“No, it’s not!”

A woman who was seated behind Todd, gave him an annoyed glare at his raised voice, clearly not amused with Neil’s antics. But her love life wasn’t in jeopardy, Neil’s, however, was. He lowered his voice as he continued.

“I should have told you. Me and Jeff, we never…”

“I know, he told me” Todd said, slightly annoyed now.

“He did?”

“Yes. Please, let’s just watch the play” Todd whispered.

And Neil did sit quietly for a moment, long enough to see Juliet and Romeo fall in love on stage. Then he couldn’t take it anymore and leaned back in.

“Was that before or after you punched him?”

Todd gave him a look, mirrored by the annoyed lady behind him and her husband. Neil smirked.

“Who told you that?” Todd asked.

“Knox”

There was some rustling at Neil’s other side as Knox leaned over, clearly having eavesdropped.

“What have I done now?” he asked.

“Mind your own business” Todd hissed, and Neil had to keep from laughing at Knox’s chastised look.

“Fine” Knox sighed heavily leaning back into his seat, Chris must have pinched him or something for suddenly he yelped. “Ow!”

“The respect of some people” the woman behind Todd murmured to her husband.

On stage Romeo was trying to climb the balcony. Neil gave him enough attention to hear him begin his speech about Juliet and the eastern sun. But there was still more things he needed to tell Todd, more things Todd needed to know.

“I never meant to hurt you”

Todd sighed in resignation. “Can we talk about this later?”

“No”

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

Neil was smirking like the bastard he knew he could be. “No.”

Todd looked at him with wide, slightly confused eyes.

“I-“ he began but then he caught sight of Ginny once more and quieted down, while allowing her to take up most of his attention. Neil dutifully fell quiet again, letting Todd admire his friend and her talent.

_“Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, Which mannerly devotion shows in this,_

_For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.”_ Ginny said, reaching her hand up to hold against Romeo’s.

Neil felt inspired. He reached for Todd’s hand and held them up between them, palm to palm.

“Neil…”

“Give me my sin again” Neil whispered before his nerves got the better of him, being this impulsive craved a little too much courage. He was rewarded with Todd blushing a flaming bright red. Todd hesitated but then the woman seated behind him, clearly done with their shit, leaned forward in her seat. Her husband looking apologetic beside her. 

“Just kiss him goddamn it, get this over with!”

Neil began a stilted laugh, growing more genuine as he caught sight of Todd’s face growing an even darker shade of red. On stage Juliet and Romeo had caught up with them. Neil gave him a pleading look. Todd nodded shortly to himself, as if he was making up his mind.

Todd leaned over, stilting and cautious. Neil met him halfway, his free hand reaching up to graze at his cheek and Todd hummed softly leaning in to the touch.

_It was…_

Awkward. The angle was wrong and they bumped noses. Having an audience didn’t make it any easier. Neil felt like some kind of zoo-animal but Todd was the first to crack. His cheeks were flaming red now as he leaned his head against Neil’s chest where it was twisted up to meet him. Neil folded his arms around him, unconsciously trying to shield him as the people closest to them began applauding. Knox slapped him on the back and reached over to clap Todd on the shoulder but Todd just batted him away with a soft laugh.

The theatre was small enough for the actors on stage to catch on to their being some ruckus out in the audience. Ginny peered out into the audience and, with some helpful waving and pointing from Chris, caught sight of them. Chris gave a big thumbs up and Ginny raised her hand in a victorious gesture that definitely wasn’t part of her role. Neil blushed furiously and hid his face in the crook of Todd’s neck. After a moment, when everyone had settled again, Todd leaned back to kiss him once more. Short but sweet. 

They held hands for the rest of the play.

Later, when the play was over and they made their way backstage to greet Ginny, Todd stopped them suddenly. There had already formed a small gathering around the actors and Neil gave a confused look between them and Todd. 

“I- I need to know” Todd started, and suddenly his stutter was back. Neil stroked a hand in a comforting manner down Todd’s arm and it seemed to calm him somewhat. “That you’re… that you’re not settling”

“What do you mean?”

Todd took a deep breath and began anew.

“Jeff told me that you never dated, but that maybe… you used to be in love with him? I need to know that you’re not settling for… for me, just because you couldn’t have him”

Neil felt something break within him, a rift that grew larger when Todd wasn’t looking at him.

 _God, how must that be like?_ To always have been treated as second best your entire childhood to the point that your own self-worth had grown extinct, that your trust in your own appeal had been obliterated. Or rather, had never gotten the chance to develop in the first play. 

With a soft motion, Neil turned Todd’s face back to look at him, smiling softly, letting all his feelings pour into the gesture.

“I’m not gonna say that I’m desperately in love with you, cause I haven’t known you that long.”

Todd’s face fell, but before he could apologizing or something like that, Neil barreled forward.

“But I know that I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I feel like I don’t have to… pretend for you and I’m… I’m curious to see where this will lead”

Todd nodded, faint smile growing warmer. “I- I am too”

“Yeah?” Neil asked, warmth spreading in his chest. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes” Todd said breathlessly, already reaching out for Neil, slotting their lips together and curling his arms around Neil’s neck. Neil pressed closer. This time it was perfect. 

They still had a lot to sort out, but maybe this was a start.

Ginny caught sight of them then and shouted past Chris and Knox, who winced slightly at her raised voice. "You're the worst audience ever, but I'm still so happy for you!"

Epilogue 

Neil woke up curled around Todd’s legs with a headache threatening to pulverize his brain. Todd was already awake, _of course he was (the little gremlin never slept),_ propped up against the headboard, writing something down in that notebook he always carried with him. In an attempt to catch his attention, and to get him to sympathize with his suffering boyfriend, Neil groaned rather dramatically. Todd’s nimble fingers sifted through his hair in consolation.

“I’m never drinking with your brother again”

“You didn’t have to compete with him” Todd said, smiling down at him.

“It’s a bachelor party, that’s what you’re supposed to do”

“Getting black out drunk?” Todd said skeptically. “You can do that when you have your own”

“You ever think I’ll have one?” Neil said, batting his eyelashes at Todd.

“Depends on whether you find someone who wants to marry you”

Neil pouted, and Todd’s stern face cracked into another soft smile. Todd pecked him on the nose, before untangling his legs from Neil’s arms and Neil unwillingly let him. Todd then proceeded to crawl out of bed. 

“Where are you going?” Neil asked, slowly sitting up.

Todd showed him the phone. “Jeff’s freaking out, mum wants me to go calm him down”

It turned out that Jeff and Knox’s sister, Katherine, got on really well. So well in fact that they decided to get married. Neil had laughed when he found out, as had Todd.

“Can I come with you?” Neil asked.

“Yeah, but you have to get dressed”

“You don’t think your family would appreciate me in my boxers?”

“With the shit you pulled last year it’s a wonder they appreciate you at all”

“Okay, but that was mainly Jeff’s fault” Neil protested. “Anyway, it landed me you, didn’t it?”

Todd just shook his head, a small smile spreading over his features. 

Hand in hand, they went to save Jeff's impending marriage. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A cut out conversation between Jeff and Neil)  
> "So when's it your turn?"  
> "Oh, Todd doesn't believe in the religious or political institution of marriage. But that's fine, Charlie and I made a pact, that if we're both unmarried by forty we'll just marry each other"  
> "How did Todd take that?"  
> "He asked to be Charlie's best man, the bastard"


End file.
